New Wife

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was approached by a friend who laughingly remarked, “I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?”

“Oh, not any more, he doesn’t,” the widow replied.

“What stopped him?”

“I started talking about my next husband.”

Robbery

An elderly woman walked into a liquor store with two guns, pointed them at the shop-keeper and said “Give me six bottles of scotch whiskey, all the money in the till, and then I want you to take me into your storeroom and make love to me.”

The shopkeeper got her the six bottles of scotch, emptied the money from the till into the old woman’s handbag, and then went with her into the storeroom, they took off all their clothes, and made love.

In the excitement the old lady dropped the guns on the floor. The shop-keeper paused a moment, then said “Madam, could you please pick up your guns again, I’m expecting my wife to arrive any minute.”

Retirement Money

Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley says, “Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?”

Abe says, “I don’t care.”

A few minutes later Shirley says, “Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?”

Abe says, “Your choice.”

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, “Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pearl diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?”

Abe says, “Shirley, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t get moving, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special.”