Changing Times

A big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen he was sitting next to on a bus. He claimed it was impossible for the older generation to understand his world.

“You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers, the internet…”

Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the senior said, “You’re right sonny. We didn’t have those things when we were young… so we invented them!”

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Career Lesson

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients and will give you the energy you need.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:

Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.


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Lunchtime Magic

A sales rep, an administrative clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I’ll give each one of you one wish.”

Excited, the admin clerk says “Me first, me first! I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof, she is gone.

“Me next, me next,” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my live.” Poof, he is gone.

“Ok, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager, obviously annoyed says, “I want those two back in my office after lunch.”


Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

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A Quick Look

A man and wife were taking a shower when the doorbell rang. The wife says, “I’ll get it” and wraps a towel around her.

She opens the door and sees that it’s her next door neighbor. The neighbor notices that she’s in her towel and says, “Damn you’re so fine! I’ll give you $500 right now if you open your towel and let me get a good look at that beautiful body of yours.”

She says, “$500? Right now?”

He says, “Yeah right now.”

She looks around to make sure the husband is not out of the shower, agrees, opens her towel and lets him get a real good look.

He gives her one long look and hands her the $500.

She gets back in the shower and her husband asks who was at the door. She says that it was the next door neighbor.

The husband replies, “Cool! Did he give you the $500 he owed me?”

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Healing Powers

An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They’re staring at another man sitting quietly at the bar.

Suddenly the Irishman says, “It’s Jesus!”

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

When he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of a amazement: “My God! The arthritis
I’ve had for 30 years is gone. It’s a miracle!”

Jesus then shakes the Aussie’s hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go the man’s eyes widen with shock. “Strewth, mate, the bad back I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s a miracle!”

Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from him.

“What’s wrong, my son?” says Jesus.

The Newfie shouts, “Don’t touch me, I’m on Workers Compensation!”

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Precious Materials

The teacher decided that in science class, she would teach her students about different materials. 

Standing at the front of the class, she asked, “Children, if you were able to have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Raising his hand, little Timmy said, “I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Porsche.”

Next, little Allie raised her hand and said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could by a Corvette.”

“Very good, both of you,” said the teacher. “Johnny, what would you want?”

Little Johnny stood up and said, “Oh, I would want silicon.”

“Why would you want silicon, Johnny?” asked the teacher.

“My mom has two bags of it and you wouldn’t believe all the sports cars outside our house!” he replied.

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Mother of the Bride

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the perfect dress to
wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week before the wedding, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not! I look like a million dollars in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another
occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear… I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

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Love Dress

A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.

“What are you doing?!” she asks.

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in- law explains.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaims.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law answers.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can’t get enough of me!”

The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.

When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“This is my love dress,” she whispers sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he says. “What’s for dinner?

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Cross Examination

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

“No,” the doctor said. “I did not check his pulse.”

“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” asked the lawyer.

“No I did not,” the doctor said.

“So,” said the lawyer, “when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead.”

The doctor said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.”

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Issues with Pleasure

An old man went to the doctor. He said, “Doctor, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife and I are not getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we used to.”

The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise, and said, “Can I ask you how old you are, sir?”

“I’m 87.”, said the old man.

“87!”, exclaimed the doctor, “How old is your wife?”

“She’s 92.”, was the reply.

The doctor was astonished by this, and said, “So let me make sure that I understand this right. You are 87, and your wife is 92 and you are worried that you don’t get as much pleasure from sex as you used to?”

“That is correct.” said the old man, “What can you do to help me?”

“Well,” said the doctor, “when did you first notice this problem?”.

The old man looked thoughtful, “I noticed it first last night, but then twice this morning.”

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