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An old man was asleep in his chair one afternoon when he was awoken by the sound of the doorbell. He shuffled to the door and when he opened it, he saw a beautiful young woman standing there.
“Oh dear!” she said. “I’m at the wrong house. I am looking for my boyfriend.”
“Sweetheart, you’re at the right house,” the old guy assured her, “but you’re about 40 years too late!”
A married man was having a long-term affair with his secretary.
One day, they were overcome by passion and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they both fell asleep and didn’t rouse until well into the evening. As the man hastily threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and then he quickly slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having hot, passionate sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been out playing golf!”
A woman was out driving when she stalled at a red light. Hard though she tried, she was unable to restart the engine and soon a long line began to form behind her.
One of the male drivers was particularly impatient, sounding his horn continuously.
Finally, she got out of her car, walked over to the driver behind and said: “I can’t seem to get my car started. Would you be a sweetheart and see if you can get it started for me? I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”
A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on. She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut. She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair. The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on spot.
Confused about what happened, the stylist put on the headphones and she heard the recording say “breath in, breath out.”