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Police Roundup
Suddenly the girl’s grandma came by and saw her. ”Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. ”Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, ”Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, ”Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!”
”Unless your name….
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
”I never knew….
“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.”
Wife’s Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat. One day, he decided to get rid of him by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat again!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answers, “Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”
Judi’s New Ride
Judi had her eye on Jaguar XK140 convertible she spotted at a local dealership. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. After she got her bonus check at work, she decided to finally get it and few hours later she was tearing down the leafy country road enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn’t have any clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her cell phone with her and made a call to the AAA. After a short wait, she saw a AAA car pull up behind her.
“That’s a lovely car,” said the mechanic. “What seems to be the matter?
Judi replied, “Well, it just broke down I’m afraid.”
“Let me have look.” He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
“Thank goodness,” she said. “What was the matter?”
“Simple really, just crap in the carburetor,” he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, “Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?”
”Instead of ‘have a …..
“Instead of ‘have a nice day,’ I think I’ll start saying, ‘have the day you deserve.’ You know, let karma sort things out.”