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Work Problems

Two neighbors were talking about work. One said, “I hate my job, our foreman just decided that we were only going to get 15 minute break twice a day because some people have been taking naps during the longer breaks and were sluggish once woken.”

The other neighbor said, “I got fired this week and have to look for a new job.”

The first one asked, “Say, why did the foreman fire you?”

The other replied, “Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work? Well, I have been doing a lot of that lately and my foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman.”

Going to Heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on the trip right now.”

Tennis Ball

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

“What do you have in your pocket?” she asked.

“Tennis ball,” the man said smiling back.

“Wow,” said the blonde looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!”

A Good Man

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian girl, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.” “Don’t worry, Maria,” said the mother, “all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!” “Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.”

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!” “Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother. “This is a job for Mama.”

Pirate at the Bar

A pirate goes into a bar and the bartender says: “Long time since I’ve seen you, man, you look terrible.” The pirate says: “I feel fine.”

The bartender says: “Well, you didn’t have that wooden leg last time I saw you.” “Well, I got into a battle and a cannon ball hit me in the leg, but I’m ok.”

“Well, you didn’t have that hook on your arm either.” The pirate says: “Got in a sword fight and lost my hand.”

The bartender says: “What about the eye patch?” The pirate replies: “Well, a bunch of sea gulls flew over the boat and when I looked up one of them shit on my eye.” The bartender says: “How did that make you lose your eye?” The pirate replies: “It was the first day with the hook.”

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