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Early Call

A man was the first to arrive at work one morning. The phone rang and he answered. When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours but that he would help if he could.

“What’s your job there?” the caller asked.

The man replied, “I’m the company president.”

There was a pause. Then the caller said, “I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something about what’s going on.”

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Hard Working Farmer

A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer’s wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.

The hired man didn’t say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile the farmer said, “We’ve got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too.”

Again, the hired man didn’t respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat. Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.

“What are you doing”? the farmer asked.

The hired man replied, “I don’t work after supper.”

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Visit to DMV

I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver’s license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.

I replied, “I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?”

She said, “Why didn’t you get a haircut before your came here?”

I replied, “I didn’t need one before I got here!”

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Giving Thanks

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.

He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited–and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

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Rich Man in Heaven

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.

They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.

“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.

“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.

“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied

 

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Ski Slalom

As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 “gates” in the fastest time. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and therefore great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.

On the day of the finals, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds and the Italian in 39.1 seconds. The Israeli Olympian was not even in sight. 

The crowd waited, and waited. Finally, after six minutes, the Israeli crossed the finish line as well. 

“What happened to you?” screamed his trainer.

Exhausted and annoyed, the Olympian replied, “One of those idiots put a mezuzah on each gate.”

 

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Bad for You

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends

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At the Pearly Gates

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. In heaven, they found God sitting on the great, white throne. He addressed Al first.

“Al, what do you believe in?” Al replied, “Well, I believe I won the election in 2000, but it was your will that I did not serve. I’ve come to understand that now.” God thought for a second and said, “Very good. Come and sit at my left.”

God then addressed Bill. “Bill, what do you believe in?” Bill replied, “I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.” Again, God thought for a second and then said, “You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.”

God then turned to Hillary and asked, “Hillary, what do you believe in?”

She replied, “I believe you’re sitting in my chair.”

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Johnny’s Mom

The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said “My mom’s a prostitute!”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”

Johnny said, “Yes.”

“Well, what did the principal say?”

“He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number!”

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Touchy Feely

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell are you doing?!”

“Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”

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