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Big Buck

Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher.

As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was.

Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer.

He said with much confidence, “The pastor shot the buck!”

The friends were amazed that he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination.

The game warden just smiled. “It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.”

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Organic Produce

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

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DMV Lines

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “that’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

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Magic Mirror

A woman walked into an antique store that was down the street from her home. As she wondered around the store the clerk asked her what she was interested in. She said she was interested in buying a mirror.

He showed her a couple mirrors then told her he had a special, magic mirror in the back. She laughed, and said yeah, right! He showed her to the mirror and told her: All you have to say is “Mirror Mirror on the door” then ask for anything. She gave it a try.

Mirror Mirror on the door, make my breast a 44.

KABOOM. She had some huge breast

She ran down the street to her house to show her husband. She told him of the magic mirror on the corner. He raced out the door headed to the antique shop. As he arrived he told the clerk he wanted to try the magic mirror. The clerk took him out back where the mirror was and told him what to say. The man looked at the mirror and said

Mirror Mirror on the door–make my manhood touch the floor

KABOOM. His legs fell off.

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Doctor’s Warning

An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor. At the end of the visit, his doctor warned him that he had a heart murmur and thus should be careful.

Not even a week later, the doctor was surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. “Don’t you remember what I told you the other day?” he inquired.

“Oh, I surely do.” the old gent replied. “Best dang advice I ever got. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I’m cheerful.”

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Romantic Poem

Washington organized a competition of two-line poem in which first line must be the most romantic, but second line should be the least romantic. This is the winner:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

What inspired this amazing rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime!

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Violin Practice

Little Hope was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Hope’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise, “Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?!”

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Old Fool

“Poor Old fool,” thought this rich guy as he watched an old man trying to fish in a puddle of water outside of the bar.

He decided to invite the old man inside for a drink and a bite to eat. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught so far?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth today.”

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Shipwrecked Scotsman

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him.

She asks, ”Would you like some food?” The Scot hoarsely croaks, ”Och, lassie, I havna’ ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!” She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis.

When he has choked it down, she asks, ”Would you like something to drink?” ”Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!” She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey.

The Scotsman is beginning to think that he’s in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, ”Would you like to play around?” ”Och, lassie, don’t tell me ye’ve got a golf course here too!”

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Where People Come From

A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were apes, then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me! Mommy said people were monkeys first.”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

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