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Cheating Wife

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a brothel.
The guy said to the cabbie, “Wanna make a $ 100?” The cabbie replied, “Sure, what do I have to do?”.
The guy said, “Go inside, grab my wife and put her in the back of the cab.” So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the brothel gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, “Here hold her!!”
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, “This is not my wife!!!”.
The cabbie replies, “I know. This one’s mine. I am going back for yours now!!”

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Safari With In-laws

A game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother in law. One morning, while deep in the forest, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother in law was backed up against a big rock, and a large lion stood right in front of her. The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

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Science Class

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn’t read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

 

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You’ve Got Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blond neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I’ve got mail!”

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Playing Cop’s Game

Last night I was at a party and had a beer or two, but wasn’t even dizzy, let alone drunk. After the party I got into my car and two minutes later noticed flashing lights in my rear view mirror. I slowed down, pulled over, got my documents ready, and rolled down my window. A cop walks over and says the usual:

- Good evening Sir, can I see your license and registration? Have you had anything to drink tonight?

- Evening officer. I was just on my way home from a party and did have two beers, but nothing more than that.

- Hmmmm, two beers? That’s it? You sure you didn’t have a few more drinks? Let me ask you something. Let’s say that you are in an dark street and you see two lights coming towards you. What do you think that is?

- I suppose that would be a car.

- Yes, it is a car, but what kind of car: a Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?

- No idea, the street is dark. No way I could tell the car make!

- Alright, let me ask you something else. Same street, but this time you see only one light. What would that be?

- I presume a motorcycle.

- Yes, that’s right but what kind of a motorcycle: a Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley Davidson?

- No idea officer.

- Hmmm, I think you had a bit too much to drink. Can you please step out of the vehicle?

- Sure, but let me ask you one question officer. You’re driving down a dark alley and see a woman wearing a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, and high heels. Who is she?

- She’s obviously a prostitute.

- Yes, she is, but is she your mother, your sister or your daughter?

Needless to say, I was immediately charged with drunk driving and taken downtown for processing. But I wasn’t drunk, I swear.

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Got Any Grapes

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, “You got any grapes?”
Guy at the counter says, “No, we don’t have any grapes.”
Duck says “okay.” and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says “You got any grapes?”
The man once again replies, “No! We do not have any grapes.”
The duck says “Okay.” and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks, “You got any grapes?”
The man is very annoyed and says, “No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I’m gonna nail your bill to the floor!”
The duck replies “Okay,” and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, “You got any nails?”
The man at the counter says “No.”
The duck says, “Well then, you got any grapes?”

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Unannounced Visit

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife screams at him as his friend listens in. “My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why did you bring him home?”

“Because he’s thinking of getting married.”

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Grandma’s Boyfriend

One day, a 9 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: “Grandma, why don’t you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?”

Grandma replied: “Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I’m happy with it as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa’s old friend, now the grandma’s minister.

The minister said: “Hello, son, is your Grandma home?”

The little boy replied: “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend!”

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Crabs on the Plane

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

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Juggling Test

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop. “I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.” “Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!

 

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