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Leave My Church

The Pastor approached his pulpit one Sunday and said, “Before we get started today I want you to know that there are rumors running rampant. I’ve heard that there are many of you out there been a he’n and a she’n out of wedlock. If you been then get up and get out of my church right now!”

Some couples got up and left.

Then he said, “Some of you been a he’n and he’n. I want you to get up and get out of my church right now!”

Some guys got up and left.

He says, “Some of you ladies been a she’n and she’n. Leave my church right now!” Some women left.

Old Brother Brown in the back got up and was leaving.

Pastor asked, “Where you goin’ Brother Brown?”

Brother Brown replied, “I know sooner or later you’ll be gettin’ to me’n and a me’n and I’m just gettin’ a head start.”

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Severe Turbulence

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night.

A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, “You’re a man of God. Can’t you do something about this?”

He replied, “Sorry, I can’t. I’m in sales, not management.”

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Greatest Golf Ball

First golfer: “I have the greatest golf ball in the world. You can’t lose it.”

Second golfer: “How so?”

First golfer: “If you hit it into the sand, it beeps. You hit it into the water, it floats. If you want to play golf at night it glows.”

Second golfer: “Hey, sounds good. Where did you get it?”

First golfer: “I found it in the woods.”

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Lonely Eve

Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, “I’m lonely I’m tired of eating apples by myself.”

“Okay,” God said, “I’ll create a man for you.”

Eve said, “A man! What’s that?” “He’s a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won’t listen very well, he’ll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he’ll be fun in bed.”

“Sounds great!” said Eve.

“Oh, and one more thing,” God said. “He will want to believe that I made HIM first.”

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Evangelizing Barber

There was a barber who paid close attention at his parish whenever the topic of evangelization was discussed. He thought he should be doing more to share his faith with his customers.

One morning the barber told the Lord in prayer, “Today I’m going to witness to the first customer who walks through my door.”

A man came in as the barber opened his shop and said, “I need a shave.”

The barber said, “Yes sir! Just have a seat and I’ll be right with you.” Then he went in the back and prayed a quick prayer saying, “Lord, the first customer just came in and I’m going to witness to him. Give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say. Amen.”

Then the barber came out with his straight razor in one hand and a Bible in the other and told his customer, “I have a question for you: Are you ready to meet your Maker?”

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Happy Marriage

A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?

His friend replied, “When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years.”

“Twice a week, you say?”

“Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday.”

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Army of the Lord

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

Jack replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I almost never see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

Jack whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

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Adrift in a Boat

Two men were adrift in an open boat, and it looked bad for them. Finally one of them, frightened, began to pray.

“O Lord,” he prayed, “I’ve broken most of thy commandments. I’ve been a hard drinker, I cheated on my wife, I gambled, but if my life is spared now I’ll promise to never again…”

“Wait a minute, Jack,” said his friend. “Before you promise anything, I think I see a sail.”

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Insurance Policy

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand dollars, and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”

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Earth Science

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

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