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Texan on Vacation

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.” 

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”? 

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”? 

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Taking Care of Business

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 
“Certainly, Sir , that’ll be one cent.” 
One Cent?” the man exclaimed. 
He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?” 
“A nickel,” the barman replied. 
“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. 
“Where’s the guy who owns this place?” 
The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” 
The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

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Reminder Software

A guy who had forgotten the dates for a number of his friends’ and relatives’ birthdays and anniversaries, decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. 

He went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. Finally, he found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

“Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?” the guy asked.

“Have you tried a wife?” the clerk responded.

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Poor Groom

After dating a young lady for some time a poor young man decides it is time to marry her.  He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the big day comes. 

On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. The service proceeds as planned and the vows are exchanged. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him, “Can you please pay me now?”

Not wanting to create a scene the young man asks, “How much do I owe you?”

The pastor thinks quickly and replies, “Pay me according to your wife’s beauty.”

The young man checks his pocket. All he has is five dollars and he gives it to the pastor. 

Although annoyed by this, the pastor realizes he has himself to blame. He continues the ceremony and says, “You may now kiss the bride now.”

At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hands the groom his five dollars back.

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American Seniors

Groups of American seniors were traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used in some of the cheeses. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats. We put them out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

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An Absent-minded Husband

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary.
He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, “Your loving husband.”
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, “Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?”

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At the Pharmacy

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’
‘Eight’, the boy replied.
The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”
“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”

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Two Old Guys

Two old guys at a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch.

One says to the other, “I see that the older I get, the more pain I am in. It seems that these days even my aches have pains.”

The other one says, “I don’t think I experienced that. I feel much different, actually.”

The first guy, surprised with the other guy’s response says: “You must be close to my age. How are you feeling these days?”

The other one says, “Like a brand new baby.”

“No kidding! Like a brand new baby? How come?”

“Yep. Just like a baby – no teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”

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A Fortune to Inherit

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

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Texting Hubby

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer.”

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”

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