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A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the exam was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor said, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A new blonde employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8am. By the end of the day, there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman from the assembly line enters and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to I keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you this morning. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
He answered, “That’s okay.”
“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Good bye, Mom” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.”
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.
“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.
“How come so much? I only bought 5 items!”
The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.”
A man was chosen for jury service, but he very much wanted to avoid it. He tried every excuse he could think of, but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honor,” he said “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I thought ‘He is a crook, he’s guilty, guilty.’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury.” The judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for – a good judge of character. That man is the defendant’s lawyer.”