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Grandma’s Boyfriend

One day, a 9 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: “Grandma, why don’t you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?”

Grandma replied: “Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I’m happy with it as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa’s old friend, now the grandma’s minister.

The minister said: “Hello, son, is your Grandma home?”

The little boy replied: “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend!”

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Crabs on the Plane

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

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Juggling Test

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop. “I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.” “Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!

 

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Girls Speeding

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she’s speeding so she asks the blonde if there’s a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he’s got his lights on. The blonde replies “Yes…No…Yes…No…Yes…No”

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Asking for a Raise

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than I?”
Maria: “Your husband said so.”
Wife: “Oh.”

Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”
Maria: “Your husband did.”
Wife: “Oh.”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Wife (really furious now): “Did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”

She got her raise.

 

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Bed Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’ His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’ A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’ After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’ Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’ Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’ The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides’

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Evils of Liquor

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

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Indecent Proposal

A boss said to his secretary I want to have sec with you I will make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have enough time to undressed himself.”

So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, “The bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still going at it”.

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20th Anniversary Gift

A man walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife as a 20th Anniversary present. He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife sees the price tag he forgot to remove and thinks “I have an idea. It’s so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on. I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, get a $150 refund and get myself something I really want.” So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

Seeing her, the husband exclaims, “that’s weird, it wasn’t that wrinkled in the store.”

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Space Travel

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. “If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?”

After pondering the question she answered, “I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra-terrestrial life on the planet.”

They said “well okay, thank you.” And told her that they would get back to her. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, “I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.” Again, “thank you” and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, “I would like to go to the sun.”

The people from NASA replied, “Why, don’t you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?”

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. “Are you guys dumb? I’d go at night!”

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