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First Drink

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!”

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink! Take another drink!!” The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses,
shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “He should’ve quit while he was a head.”

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First Horse Ride

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

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Ice Fishing

There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.”

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.”

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. Said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.”

The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?”

“Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the boat in the water yet.”

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Late Night Proposition

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, “Honey, would you have sex with me?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please, I love you so much!”
“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh, yes you can. Please?”
“No, no. I just can’t”
“I’m begging you.”
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:
“Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it… or if need be Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for heaven’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!”

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Automotive Dealership

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a blonde mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

“Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!”

To which he replied, “I know — I already got that side.”

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Actions of Merit

A young man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the young man replied

“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

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Home Late

A wife comes home late one night, arriving early from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Hi, Darling”, he says, “Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.”

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Fun in Hell

One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…
Satan: “Why so glum?”
Biker : “What do you think? I’m in hell!”
Satan: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”
Biker : “Sure, I love to drink.”
Satan: “Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink ’til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.”
Biker : “Gee that sounds great!”
Satan: “You a smoker?”
Biker : “You better believe it.”
Satan: “All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?”
Biker : “Wow…that’s awesome!”
Satan: “I bet you like to gamble.”
Biker : “Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
Satan: “Good,’ cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.”
Biker : “Cool!”
Satan: “What about Drugs?”
Biker : “Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…?”
Satan: “That’s right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.”
Biker : “Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!”
Satan: “You gay?”
Biker : “No……”
Satan: “Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough……”

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Dog in Heat

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, “Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?” The blonde said it was hers.

“Your dog seems to be in heat” the officer said. The blonde replied, “No way. She’s cool in the shade of that tree.”

The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.”

“No way,” said the blonde. “My dog doesn’t need bread. She isn’t hungry ’cause I fed her this morning.”

The exasperated policeman said, “NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to mate!”

The blonde looked at the cop and said, “Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.”

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Freeway Pileup

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $20,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $2,000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “It’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.

“She has,” says the man.

“And what is it?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting a new kitchen.”

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