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John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
“How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand.
“It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want… and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin’, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”
Auditioning for a job at a circus were a young man and a young woman.
The woman said, “I’ll go first.” She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion’s cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turned to the young man and asked, “Can you top that?”
The young man replied, “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”
Two guys are fishing and just ran out of beer. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, he rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie promises to grant them one wish.
“Turn the lake into beer,” says the first guy without much thought. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer, then he disappears.
The guy proudly turns to his friend and says, “Am I brilliant or what?”
The other guy says, “You idiot. Now we’ve got to pee in the boat.”
An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”
“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging trough a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”
A few weeks later the blonde returns, looking worse than ever and she seems to have lost a lot of weight. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!” “I don’t understand how that could be,” said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”
“That may be true,” answered the blonde wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill.”