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Last night I was at a party and had a beer or two, but wasn’t even dizzy, let alone drunk. After the party I got into my car and two minutes later noticed flashing lights in my rear view mirror. I slowed down, pulled over, got my documents ready, and rolled down my window. A cop walks over and says the usual:
– Good evening Sir, can I see your license and registration? Have you had anything to drink tonight?
– Evening officer. I was just on my way home from a party and did have two beers, but nothing more than that.
– Hmmmm, two beers? That’s it? You sure you didn’t have a few more drinks? Let me ask you something. Let’s say that you are in an dark street and you see two lights coming towards you. What do you think that is?
– I suppose that would be a car.
– Yes, it is a car, but what kind of car: a Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?
– No idea, the street is dark. No way I could tell the car make!
– Alright, let me ask you something else. Same street, but this time you see only one light. What would that be?
– I presume a motorcycle.
– Yes, that’s right but what kind of a motorcycle: a Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley Davidson?
– No idea officer.
– Hmmm, I think you had a bit too much to drink. Can you please step out of the vehicle?
– Sure, but let me ask you one question officer. You’re driving down a dark alley and see a woman wearing a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, and high heels. Who is she?
– She’s obviously a prostitute.
– Yes, she is, but is she your mother, your sister or your daughter?
Needless to say, I was immediately charged with drunk driving and taken downtown for processing. But I wasn’t drunk, I swear.
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”
“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!” the manager asked.
“That’s the one!”
“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”
An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest.
“You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now.”
As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”
“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest. “But, I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”
“But Father,” protested the young priest. “My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”
“Yes,” replied, the elderly priest. “I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!”
When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had a scratched bar code, making it unreadable to the scanner.
Imagine her embarrassment when the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price check on Tampax, supersize please.”
As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “thumbtacks.”
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, “Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
“Let’s have a big party, Homer,” she suggested. “You’ll need to kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”