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Usual Tip

Johnny paid his way through college by being a waiter in a restaurant.

“What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer.

“Well,” said Johnny, “this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing great.”

“Is that so?” growled the customer. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.”

“Thanks. I’ll put it in my college fund,” Johnny said.

“By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer.

“Applied psychology.”

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Hunting Buddies

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired, shocked.

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

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Infinite Gifts

An angel appears at a college faculty meeting and tells the Dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty. Without hesitating, the Dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the Dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”

The Dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”

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Missing Husband

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer looked at the guy’s photograph, questioned her for a while, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any messages if they found him.

“Yes, please” she replied. “Tell him my mother didn’t come after all.”

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Child’s Commentary

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.A few moments passed.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments later, “Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.”Matt’s riding a new bike.”
A few moments later, “Looks like the Sanders are moving.””Jason is on his skate board.”
A few more moments, “The Coopers are having sex.”
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they are having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too.”

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Wife’s Demand

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands internet browsing obsession finally takes matter into her own hands.

One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a pair of sexy lingerie and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She leans forward and whispers, “Time for super sex.”

He ignores her. So, she starts saying it louder and eventually yells, “Super Sex” “Super Sex” “Super Sex”.

Finally, he replies, “Ok, I’ll take the soup.”

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Pastor’s Children

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber shoes.’
The entire congregation said, ‘Amen.’

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Helping the Doctor

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so really far out and there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
“Hit him again Doc, Hit him again!” the 5 yr. old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!!”

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A Classy Bar

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry, I can’t serve you here unless you are wearing a tie.”

The man says, “Okay, I’ll be right back,” and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie.

All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, “How’s this?”

The bartender replies, “Well, okay, but don’t start anything.”

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Forget-me-not

An Australian travel writer at the beginning of a 6-month tour of Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, “By the way, what’s with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He’s been there ever since I arrived.”

“Oh that’s Big Chief Forget-me Not.” said the manager. “The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life.”

The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief’s memory to the test.

“G’day, mate!” said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. “What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?”

“Eggs,” was the chief’s instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not’s great memory.

One local noted to him that “How” was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than “G’day mate.” So, on his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, the Aussie approached ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’ still sitting in the lobby.

“How” said the Aussie to the Chief, who again did not stop to look up and just replied, “Scrambled!”

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