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It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asked her, “What are you up to?”
Alice smiled. “I’m going hunting with you!”
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”
Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake ran back.
As he got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!”
Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
A man called home to his wife and said: “Darling, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re leaving from the office today though. I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Could you pack me a bag, and please pack my new blue pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, “Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes.” After a moment he added, “Why didn’t you pack my new blue pajamas like I asked you to do?”
The wife smirked and replied, “I did, dear. They were in your fishing box!”
Five surgeons are taking a coffee break and talking about work.
1st surgeon says: “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
2nd surgeon says: “Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
3rd responds: “Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded.”
4th intercedes: “I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”
To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says: “I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.
One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, “The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow’s stall. You show him where it is.”
The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.
She says, “This is the one, right here.”
The man says, “How do you know?”
Amy says, “By the nail over its stall.”
The man says, “What’s the nail for?”
Amy says, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”
A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him around the head with a frying pan.
“What was that for?” the man asked.
The wife replied, “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it, that I found in your pants pocket.”
The man then said, “When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.” The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious, upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
“Your horse phoned,” replied his wife.