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A woman was driving her old beat up car on the highway with her 7 year old son.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.
After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.
Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.
She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car.
Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car. As he did he said, “Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”
Her son piped up from the back seat, “I do… because you couldn’t catch the other cars!”
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.”
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see,’ ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’ ‘How did you feel about that?’”
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘Oh crap!! What happened next?’”
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to make him move, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
“How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie so much more expensive than the others?” “That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”