Dangerous Age

An 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old model.
He goes to his doctor for a checkup a couple of weeks before the wedding date.
The doctor looks him over and says, “Bill, you seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing.”
“What’s that?”, asks the millionaire.
“At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care, it could be really deadly” the doctor replies.
On the wedding night, Bill and his wife retire to their newlyweds suite and the young bride undresses down to a sexy lingerie. Bill admires his beautiful new wife and remembering what his doctor said, thinks to himself, “What the hell, if she dies, she dies.”

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Biting Nails

Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous,” the first one said.

“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented. “But I broke him of that habit real quick.”

“What did you do?”

“I hid his teeth.”

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Medical Concerns

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that crazy old fart,” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August”

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College Exam

A college professor was giving a big science test. Upon collecting the tests she noticed a note attached to one of them with a $100 bill underneath it.

The note read, “One dollar per point please.”

The professor returned the test the following with $40 and a note attached.

The note read, “Here’s your $40 change.”

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Arrogant Defendant

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait! When will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”

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True Love

A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “Of course I will. I’ve already been doing it for the past 5 years haven’t I?”

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Silent Treatment

A wife once gave her husband the silent treatment for an entire week. She didn’t say anything, she just put it into practice. She was hoping it would make him be more attentive to her and to their marriage.

At the end of the week she decided to bring up subject. “You notice anything different about us this past week?”

Without missing a beat, and without having a clue either, he replied. “Yeah, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

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Special Order

A man goes into a coffee shop and says, “I would like one of your special breakfasts.”

“No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter.

“But I want it my way,” says the man.

“What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the waiter.

The man says, “Well, I want the eggs only half done,” he says. “I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it.”

“I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the waiter.

“Well it seemed you had the time yesterday!” answers the guest.

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Picky Eater

One evening, a family sat down for dinner. The mother served fish and cauliflower. They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone.

He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?”

“Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother.

So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.

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A Haircut

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. While waiting, I flipped through a book with hairstyles and I found a hairstyle I liked for myself. I asked the receptionist if I could take the book next door to make a copy of the photo.

“Leave some ID, a driver’s license or a credit card,” she said.

“But my husband is here getting a haircut,” I explained.

“Yes,” she replied. “But I need something you’ll come back for.”

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