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Aspirations

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the hottest ho with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and have sex with her three times a day.”

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

“And you, Susie?” the teacher asks.

Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s ho.”

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Is Dad Home?

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!!”

The boy thought for a moment.

“You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”

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Three Suitors

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.

As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, “Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flow. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re going to get some spaghetti, is she ready?” Father felt this one was okay
too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck…” and the farmer shot him.

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Drunk Talk-back

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
“Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!” She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough!!

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Married Life

A newlywed couple had been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be back in a couple hours.”

“Where are you going, coochy cooh?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar with my boys, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries. “Which one would you like, baby?”

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop, but at the bar, you know, they have frozen glasses.”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious. I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

“But my sweet honey, at the bar there’s swearing, dirty words and all that fun manly stuff.”

“You want dirty words? Drink your f****king beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your damn snacks, because you are married now, and you aren’t going anywhere. Got it, you a-hole?”

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Sister and Priest

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.

The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

Priest: Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I’ll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

Sister: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later…

Sister: Father, I’m terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I’ll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later…

Sister: Father, I’m still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I’ll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later…

Sister: Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You’re probably right…get up and get your own damn blanket!

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Pickup Line

A rather elderly gentleman walks into an upscale hotel cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady in her mid-seventies. The gentleman walks over, sits down next to her, and orders a drink.

He takes a sip then turns to her and says, “So tell me good looking, do I come here often?”

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Children’s Sermon

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said,

“I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

Moral: Don’t let your kids watch too much TV.

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Lottery Winnings

Dave went to his local lotto center to check his ticket. When the clerk checked his ticket Dave was told that he had won 5 million dollars. Dave went right home.

When he saw his wife he said, “I just won the lottery and I am going now to collect my winnings. I want you to be packed before I get back.”

His wife very excitedly asked, “What should I pack, warm or cold weather clothes?”

Dave looked at her and said “I don’t care as long as you are gone when I get home.”

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Philosophy Professors

A philosophy professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if it was true that all philosophy professors were absent-minded.

“No, they’re not absent-minded. Don’t you think I know where I am right now, and don’t you think tomorrow I’ll know where I was last night? Would somebody like to ask me another  question?”

“Yes,” said another guest. “Is it true that philosophy professors are absent-minded and have bad memories?”

“Oh God!” said the professor. “I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question.”

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