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Hate School

A mother repeatedly called upstairs for her son to get up, get dressed and get ready for school. It was a familiar routine, especially at exam time.
“I feel sick,” said the voice from the bedroom.
“You are not sick. Get up and get ready,” called the mother, walking up the stairs and hovering outside the bedroom door.
“I hate school and I’m not going,” said the voice from the bedroom, “I’m always getting things wrong, making mistakes and getting told off. Nobody likes me, and I’ve got no friends. And we have too many tests and they are too confusing. It’s all just pointless, and I’m not going to school ever again.”
“I’m sorry, but you are going to school,” said the mother through the door, continuing encouragingly, “Really, mistakes are how we learn and develop. And please try not to take criticism so personally. And I can’t believe that nobody likes you – you have lots of friends at school. And yes, all those tests can be confusing, but we are all tested in many ways throughout our lives, so all of this experience at school is useful for life in general. Besides, you have to go, you are the headteacher.”

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Irish Sausage

At a supermarket, a customer asks “In what aisle will I find Irish sausage?”

The assistant replies “In the deli department. Are you Irish?”

Clearly offended, the man replies “Yes I am, but let me ask you something, if I had asked for bratwurst would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I’d asked for tacos would you have asked if I was Mexican?”

“Probably not” says the assistant.

“So why ask me if I’m Irish?”

So the assistant says “Because we are in Dublin you thick arse!”

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Costume Party

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, “Going to a party?”

“Yeah, a costume party,” the man answers, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”

“But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protests the bartender.

“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”

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Animal Rights

A blonde was taking a walk in the country. Suddenly, she noticed something that intrigued her. In the middle of the field, chewing grass lazily, there was a cow with no horns.

As she kept walking, she noticed a farmer tending to the rest of the herd. She asked him: “Excuse me, can you tell me why that cow doesn’t have any horns?”

“Well miss,” the farmer started, “cattle can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw.”

Horrified, the blonde exclaimed, “A hacksaw? But that’s just inhumane.”

The farmer continued, “You can also treat young calves with special chemicals so their horns never grow.”

Still shocked, the blonde gasped “Well, that’s not much better either. So can you tell me how that poor cow lost its horns?” She pointed to the cow she saw first.

The farmer looked to where she pointed, smiled and said, “Well miss, that cow doesn’t have any horns because it’s a horse!”

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Honest Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”

The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.”

The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”

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Nurse Nancy

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. “She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!”

The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”

Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

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Counter Fitting

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, “Gosh, I’d really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place”.

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Religious Man

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

“Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?”

And a great voice was heard from above: “BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”

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Following Directions

The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”

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Pancakes

A young couple took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitations, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” the mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”

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