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Union Negotiations

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!” There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. “Wow,” he said. “Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

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Weight Loss Orders

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor had her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 10 pounds.”

When the woman came back, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 30 pounds. “Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The woman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” “No, from skipping.”

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Vacuum Salesman

Doris Mason, lady living in Asheville, North Carolina, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

‘Good morning, Ma’am,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in vacuum cleaners.’

‘Go away!’ said Doris brusquely. ‘I’m broke and haven’t got any money for new fangled contraptions,’ and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty,’ he commanded. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her dining room carpet.

‘Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’

Doris stepped back and said with a smile, ‘Well let me get you a spoon, young man because Southern Electric cut off my power this morning.’

 

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Dirty Laundry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: “I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON BUTT!!”

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Buying Cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

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Perfect Bride

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce perfect children. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

In his search, he met a farmer who had three stunning daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, “They’re all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”

The man went on a date with the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion. “Well,” said the man, ”She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.” The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. “Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.” The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. “Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”

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Blonde’s New Car

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she’s smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she’s laughing. He’s really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she’s laughing so hard, she’s about to fall down. He demands, “What’s so funny?” She says, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle!”

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Daddy’s Calling

“Hello?”

“Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause.

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?”

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Watching Neighbors

A couple decided that the only way to have sex while their ten year old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighborhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening.

“A police car has just pulled at the Hamiltons’ house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, the Smiths are going for a walk with their new dog, and the Mitchell’s are having sex.”

Hearing this, the boy’s parents shot bolt upright. “How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?”

“Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.”

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Finding Jesus

A stumbling drunk is walking down the street when he stumbles upon a baptismal ceremony by a local stream. The priest notices the drunk and says, “My son, do u want to find Jesus?” The drunk says sure and gets in the water. The priest dunks his head in and asks, “Have you found Jesus?” The drunk says no and the priest dunks him again. The priest repeats this a couple more times, “Have you found Jesus?” he asks each time, but the drunk replies “No” every time. Finally, the drunk gets tired of the process and exclaims: “I don’t see Jesus anywhere. Are u sure this is where he fell in?!?”

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