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End of Drill

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.” As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ‘em, huh, sir?”

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Jumping Drunk

Two men were sitting at the bar on the top floor of the Empire State Building.

One man says to the other, “You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.”

The other man says “Get outta here,  you’re joking aren’t you?”

The first man says “No, here, I’ll prove it!” He stands on the window ledge, jumps out and comes back in through the 90th floor window.

The other man says. “That was just a one off. Do it again!” So the first man does it again and comes through on the 90th floor. He runs back up and says “See, I’m telling the truth!”

The second man says, “Wow, I’m gonna do it too then.” He stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.

The barman, who just caught the end of this says to the first man, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk!”

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Leaving Early

Three girls worked in the same office for the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. The girls decided that the next day, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout before going on a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”

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Pet Chicken

A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets. “Who’s the other ticket for?” the ticket girl asked. “For my pet chicken.” He said, pointing to the bird.

“I’m sorry,” the girl tells him, “but we don’t allow animals in the theater.”

The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.

The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, “Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!”

Amanda replied, “Oh, don’t worry about it. Just ignore him. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

The woman whispered back, “I know, I know, but this one’s eating my popcorn!”

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Visiting Mother-in-law

Bill’s mother was visiting her son and daughter-in-law, Betty. Bill came home from work and found six vacuum cleaner salesmen outside his house. He dashed in and said, “Mom, there are six men outside who all claim they have an appointment for a vacuum cleaner demonstration!”

“That’s right,” the mother-in-law replied. “Now you just show them all to different rooms and let them start demonstrating.”

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Bad Dream

A wife wakes from a bad dream one night scared and crying. Her husband comforts her and asks why she’s so upset.

She replies, “I had a dream that a very rich and handsome man kidnapped me from you.”

Her husband soothingly replies, “That’s okay honey, it was just a dream.

“The wife starts sobbing loudly,”I know that’s why I’m crying”

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Long-term Affair

A married man was having a long-term affair with his secretary.

One day, they were overcome by passion and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they both fell asleep and didn’t rouse until well into the evening. As the man hastily threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and then he quickly slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having hot, passionate sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been out playing golf!”

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I Want Natalie

The brothel’s madam opened the door to find a frail, elderly gentleman standing there. “May I help you?” asked the madam.

“I want Natalie,” replied the old man.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else?”

“No, I must see Natalie,” insisted the old man.

Just then, Natalie appeared and advised the old man that she charges $1000 a visit. Without blinking an eye, he reached in his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two of them then went up to a room for an hour, after which the old man calmy left.

The next evening, he appeared at the brothel again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts… the price was still $1000. Again, he took out the money and the two of them went up to a room. An hour later, he left.

No one could believe it when he showed up the third consecutive night. Again, he demanded to see Natalie, handed her the money and they went up to a room. After the hour had passed, Natalie questioned him. “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

“I’m from Los Angeles,” he replied.

“Really?” Natalie said. “I have family living there.”

“Yes, I know,” the old man said. “Your father passed away and I’m your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you $3000.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

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Talking Dog

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

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Police Roundup

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl’s grandma came by and saw her. ”Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. ”Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.

A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, ”Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, ”Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!”

 

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