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Theatre Guest

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to make him move, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”

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Today’s Lesson

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Eggs!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

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Expensive Doll

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.

“How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie so much more expensive than the others?” “That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

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Top 10 Chuck Norris Facts

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.

Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.

Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.

Once the cop pulled over Chuck Norris. The cop was lucky to leave with a warning.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afraid to move.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crossed Chuck Norris and lived.

Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

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Orientation in Heaven

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”

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Prayer for Money

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the White House. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It read: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

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Perfect Sales Pitch

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits. He also sold them their optional GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales. This had never happened before. Rather than ask, the Captain did a “random walk” and stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. It went something like this:

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.” “Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

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Bank Teller

A crusty looking old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,”I want to open a damn checking account.”

To which the astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.” With that the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old man, “What seems to be the problem here?”

“There’s no damn problem”, the man says, “I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”

“Damn”, says the manager, “Is my idiot employee giving you a hard time?”

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Real Friendship

Friendship between women:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at her friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

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Tuna Casserole

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.)

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