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Hair Spray

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

“If you can get that worm back in that hole I’ll give you ten dollars,” said Josh.

His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother’s hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.

“But grandpa,” said the boy, “you’ve already given me the ten dollars you promised.”

“That’s from your grandma,” said Josh.

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Tea Party

Mother went out and left dad in charge of their 3 year old daughter.

The daughter was playing with her tea set she got for her birthday, it was her favorite toy. Dad was in the living room watching football when his daughter brought him a cup of tea which was only water.

After several cups of “tea” the woman came home. Dad made her wait in the room to watch his daughter bring him a cup of “tea”, because he thought it was so cute.

Mother waited, and sure enough, the daughter brought him a cup of tea, the woman watched him drink the tea and thank his daughter for such a lovely drink. Then she said to her husband, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

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First Fight

Three weeks after her wedding day, Daphne called her mother. “Mom,” she wailed “John and I had a dreadful fight!”

“Calm down,” said her mom, “it’s not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight.”

“I know, I know!” said Daphne. “But, what am I going to do with the BODY?!”

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Betting a Blonde

A blonde and a redhead are watching the late news. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the mean in the lead story, who is on the ledge of a 40-story building, will jump.

“I’ll take that bet,” the blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such a tragic incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she doesn’t need to pay the $50.

“No, a bet’s a bet,” the blonde replies. “I owe you $50.” The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies, “No, you don’t understand. I saw the six o’clock news, so I knew how it was going to turn out.” “That’s OK,” the blonde replies. “I saw it earlier too, but I didn’t think he would jump again.”

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Marriage in Heaven

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

“Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.”

Six months pass and St. Peter returns. “Yes, we can do this for you.”

The couple asks, “Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don’t work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?”

To which St. Peter answers, “It took me six months to find a priest up here — how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?”

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What’s for Dinner

A guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer afternoon. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for dinner.

The wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about dinner right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine??”

“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”

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The Funeral

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

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Twin Sons

The family had two twin boys whose only resemblance to each other were their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume was too low. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday, the father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night, the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. “Why are you crying?” the father asked. “Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries and my toys will eventually get broken,” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, “With all this manure, there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere.”

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Going Camping

Four friends spent weeks planning a perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire. “Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?” I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed so I did. Then she said, ‘Now, you can do whatever you want.’ So here I am.”

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Off the Hook

It has been many years since the embarrassing day when the young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop. She confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it. After a long discussion, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was sixteen. She agreed. He has been counting the years off on his calendar.

One day, the boy who had been collecting free meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be sixteen tomorrow.” “I know,” said the butcher with a smile. “I have been counting too. When you take this parcel of meat home, tell your mother that it is the last free meat she’s getting and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home, he told his mother what the butcher had said. She just smiled and replied, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him that I have also had free bread, free milk and free groceries for the last sixteen years, and watch the expression on HIS face.”

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