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Final Confession

My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, “There’s something I must confess.”

“Shhh” I said, “there’s nothing to confess. Everything is alright.”

“No I must die in peace. I never really loved you and I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!”

I took a deep breath, looked her in the eyes and whispered, “I know, that’s why I poisoned you, now close your eyes and die already!!”

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Rich Man’s Challenge

A rich man had a party.  He showed his guests his pool filled with alligators and announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
No one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash. A man was swimming like a hell across the pool and he came out alive at the other end.
So the host asked, “What are your three wishes?”
The man replied, “Give me the shotgun, some bullets and show me the idiot that pushed me in.”

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Magic Mirror

There once was a magic mirror which would kill you if you lied to it. One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself “I’m the smartest woman ever!” She immediately dropped dead. The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself “I’m the prettiest woman alive! ” She immediately dropped dead. Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself “I think,” and dropped dead.

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Sleeping in Church

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband from sleeping in Church. So, she took her hat pin and decided she would poke him every time he fell asleep. Right about the first time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, “And who created the Universe?” The wife poked her husband and he awakes and yells, “My God!”

The second time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, “And who died on the cross for you?” She pokes her husband and he screams, “Jesus Christ!”

The third time, the Preacher asks, ” And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”

The wife pokes her husband and he jumps up and yells, “By God, if you poke me with that thing one more time, I am going to break it off!”

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Skiing Weekend

Jack and Bob went skiing. After a few hours of driving north, they got caught up in a terrible blizzard and pulled into the driveway of a farm owned by a very rich widow. They went to the door and asked the attractive lady who answered if they could spend the night there. “Oh, it’s such a terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself. But I am recently widowed,” she said, “and I’m afraid of what the neighbor will say if I let two attractive young men stay in my house.” “Don’t worry,” Jack said, “We’ll be happy if you just let us sleep in your barn if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they left and had a great skiing weekend.

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was the attorney of the attractive widow whose barn they stayed at with Bob. He drove to see his friend and asked him: “Bob, remember nine months ago when we went skiing and stopped over at that beautiful widow’s barn to wait out the bad weather?” “Yes, I do,” said Bob. “Did you get up in the middle of the night, pay her a visit at the house and stay overnight?” Bob, getting a little embarrassed, confirmed that’s what happened. “And did you happen to use my name while you were with her?” “I am sorry buddy, I am afraid I did,” replied Bob whose face turned red by now. “Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything,” exclaimed Jack.

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Three at a Bar

A Texan, a New Yorker and a New Jersey resident were drinking their favorite beverage in a bar. The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the half-full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila. The Texan explained, “Where I come from, we have plenty of great tequila.”

The New Yorker, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the half-full wine bottle in the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority characteristic of New Yorkers, he announced, “Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!”

Seeing that, the New Jersey resident drained his bottle of Bud, threw it up in the air, drew his pistol and shot the New Yorker dead. He then caught his bottle on the way down and said to the Texan slowly, “Where I come from, we recycle bottles, but have plenty of New Yorkers.”

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Saying Grace

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.”Logan, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.

“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.

“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Logan explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

 

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Hair Spray

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

“If you can get that worm back in that hole I’ll give you ten dollars,” said Josh.

His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother’s hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.

“But grandpa,” said the boy, “you’ve already given me the ten dollars you promised.”

“That’s from your grandma,” said Josh.

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Tea Party

Mother went out and left dad in charge of their 3 year old daughter.

The daughter was playing with her tea set she got for her birthday, it was her favorite toy. Dad was in the living room watching football when his daughter brought him a cup of tea which was only water.

After several cups of “tea” the woman came home. Dad made her wait in the room to watch his daughter bring him a cup of “tea”, because he thought it was so cute.

Mother waited, and sure enough, the daughter brought him a cup of tea, the woman watched him drink the tea and thank his daughter for such a lovely drink. Then she said to her husband, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

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First Fight

Three weeks after her wedding day, Daphne called her mother. “Mom,” she wailed “John and I had a dreadful fight!”

“Calm down,” said her mom, “it’s not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight.”

“I know, I know!” said Daphne. “But, what am I going to do with the BODY?!”

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