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Bedtime Story

A girl of seven walked into her mother’s bedroom and asked her to tell her a bedtime story.
The mother wasn’t thrilled with the request. She said, “It’s almost two in the morning.”
“I know, Mommy, but I’d love to hear a story.”
The mother said, “Lie down in bed with me. We’ll wait for your father to come back and he’ll tell us both one!”

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Talking Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and says, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquires.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”
“That’s terrible,” the priest exclaims, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responds.
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

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Will Reading

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

“To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,” the attorney reads.

“To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.”

“And finally,” the lawyer concludes, “to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!”

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Harsh Criticism

The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. While most of the people told the minster how much they liked his message, one man seemingly had a different opinion.

“That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor,” he said.

The pastor was a bit baffled by this, but he continued shaking hands.

A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much in the way of preparation for your message.”

Once again, the man circled back and appeared in line, this time muttering, “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say, Pastor.”

Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man.

“Oh, don’t let that guy bother you,” said the deacon. “He’s a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”

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Double Duty

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar’s leg in it!”

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Angelic Assistance

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time.

Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground. Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.

From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

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Not Drunk

A drunk stumbled out the door of the bar. He stood on the corner waiting for the light. He wife calls and asks if he is drunk. The man replies, “Of course not!”

Being suspicious that he is drunk, she says, “Okay then, tell me where you are and I will come and get you.”

The drunk replies, “I am at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK!”

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Disorderly Conduct

Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, “What were you doing?”

“Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.”

The judge asks the second gentleman, “And what were you doing?”

“I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.”

“Sounds harmless,” says the judge. He turns to the third person, “And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?”

“No, sir. I AM Peanuts!”

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Ice Fishing

After church, little Johnny and his brother go ice fishing.

Little Johnny starts drilling on the ice when a voice from above says, “Young man, there’s no fish down there. Go home.”

Little Johnny asks his brother, “Who is that?”

His brother replies, “I don’t know.”

So little Johnny starts to drill again and the voice says again, “For the second time, there’s no fish down there. Go home.”

Little Johnny asks his brother, “Could that be God?”

His brother replies again, “I don’t know.”

Little Johnny starts drilling again and the voice says once more, “Young man, for the last time, I’m telling you there’s no fish down there. Go home.”

Johnny looks up and asks, “Is that you, God?”

The voice says, “No, I’m the manager and the rink’s closed.”

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Pranking Ex-Wife

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.
“Sorry, he doesn’t live here anymore, we’re divorced!” comes the response.
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling.
“Look, Bozo! We’re divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?” yells bac the angered ex-wife.
“Oh, I know! I just can’t hear it enough!” says the guy before hanging up.

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