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Smoking After

Two gals lived next door to each other, and, were good friends. Every morning, after their husbands left for work and the kids were off to school, they would just relax and have coffee together, smoking and talking.

One morning, one turned to the other and said, “Do you ever smoke after you’ve had sex?”

The friend looked a bit blank for a minute then responded, “Don’t know, never looked.”

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Amazing Your Man

Three friends met up for lunch. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and one has been married for fifteen years. The were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black lingerie, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

They met in three days for lunch and talked about how it went.

The engaged one started saying, “The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.”

The mistress went next. “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.”

Finally, the married one shared her story. “When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He came in the door, saw me and said, ‘What’s for dinner, Zorro?’”

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Jokes in Heaven

One day, a blond, a brunette, and a redhead were all driving in a car when the car crashed. Minutes later they appeared up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter met them and said, “We are doing something different today. Ahead are 100 stairs, after each 10 you will be told a joke, if you laugh you will take the one way
train to Hell, if you remain silent, you will continue on. If you make it to the top, you will stay in Heaven.”

The brunette started up the stairs. At the 50th stair she laughed, and was sent abroad the train to hell.

The redhead started to climb but laughed at the 80th stair and got on the train to Hell.

The blond started up and made it to the 99th stair. She paused, then began laughing non stop.

Shocked, St. Peter asked her why she had laughed when she almost made it. Still laughing she replied, “I just got the first joke!”

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Sick of Her

One time I got sick and landed in hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” Or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry?”

I had had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, “My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”

The nurse fainted… I just smiled.

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Buying a Porsche

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up his parent’s driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!”
“Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.”
“Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”
“The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”
The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you!”
“Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed.
The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

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Nothing to Declare

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”

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Tax Audit

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered tax evaders. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.

“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer, so he thought he’d go on, in his obnoxious way.

“Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard now how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S.”

“The I.R.S.? What would the I.R.S. do with them?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

“I don’t know the details, but about once a year, they send us a little prick like you,” replied the Rabbi.

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Farmer Problems

Two buddies are at a bar, talking about their problems. “I haven’t sold one tractor all month,” a tractor salesman tells his friend.

“That’s nothing compared to my problem,” his buddy replies. “I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I’ll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I’ll buy a tractor off ya.”

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Storks

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. “Don’t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.”

The next night, it’s father’s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying “Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.”

A few days later, the stork’s parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he’s been all night.

The baby stork says, “Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!”

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Computer Wonders

A young man at a college was learning about the wonders of the newest computer programs. This newest program could answer any question you asked of it, as long as you provided your name and birth date.

The young man asked this question, “Where is my father?”

The computer printed out the answer “Your father is fishing in Minnesota.”

The young man said it’s incorrect because his father died 20 years ago. The professor suggested rephrasing the question so the young man asked “Where is my mother’s husband?”

The computer printed out “Your mother’s husband died 20 years ago, but your father is still fishing in Minnesota.”

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