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Different Kinds

There are five different kinds of sex:

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you’ve got to do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, “Screw you!”

And the last, fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in court.

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Chance of Recovery

A guy underwent a surgery and met with his blonde doctor afterward to discuss next steps in his recovery.

Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering, doctor?”

Doctor : “One hundred percent.”

Patient: “How can you be so sure?”

Doctor: “Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated and all the others died.”

 

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Father’s Occupation

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”

The first student raised her hand to volunteer. “Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”

Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.”

The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”

Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”

“Very good,” the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on Little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”

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Wisdom Teeth

One day, a man walks into a dentists office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
“Eighty dollars”, says the dentist.
“That’s a ridiculous amount!” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”
“Well…” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.”
Looking annoyed the man says, “That’s still too expensive!”
“Okay” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthetics and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20.”
“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much!”
“Well” says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.”
“Marvelous!” says the man, “Book my wife for next Tuesday.”

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How Many Women

A man and his wife are having another fight in their crappy marriage.
Wife: How many women have you slept with?
Man: Only you, I was too busy to sleep while shagging the other women!
Wife: Right, pack your bags I want you out!
Man: That’s fine.
Wife: I hope you have a slow and painful death!
Man: I’m confused, does that mean you want me to stay now?

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Buying Wood

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”
The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”
The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

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A New Instrument

My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said My Dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” I asked.

“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

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Tea Party

Mother went out and left dad in charge of their 3 year old daughter.

The daughter was playing with her tea set she got for her birthday, it was her favorite toy. Dad was in the living room watching football when his daughter brought him a cup of tea which was only water.

After several cups of “tea” the woman came home. Dad made her wait in the room to watch his daughter bring him a cup of “tea”, because he thought it was so cute.

Mother waited, and sure enough, the daughter brought him a cup of tea, the woman watched him drink the tea and thank his daughter for such a lovely drink. Then she said to her husband, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

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Mental Hospital

A visitor at a mental hospital asks the director what the criteria are for defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the doctor, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket as it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” replied the director. “A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?”

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Happy Daddy

A mother and father read a bedtime story of a king to their five year old son. As the story concludes, the son says, “Mom, I also want five wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me…”

Mom: “And one will put you to sleep!”

Son: “No mom, I will still sleep with you.”

Mom’s eyes fill up with tears: “God bless you son.”

Mom continues: “But who will sleep with your 5 wives?”

Son: “Let them sleep with daddy.”

Daddy’s eyes fill up with tears: “God bless you son.”

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