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Buying a Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
With just $1 left, she realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’” The telegraph operator shakes his head. ” How will she know what you mean, if you only send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde, she’ll read it very slowly.”
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Eager Student

A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

“I would do anything to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, “…I would do…anything.”

He returns her gaze. “Anything?”

“Anything.”

His voice softens. “Anything??”

“Absolutely anything.”

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you…study?”

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Twelve Shots

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, ” you would be drinking fast too, if you had what I have.”

“What do you have,” asks the bartender.

The guy answers, “75 cents.”

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Pregnancy Test

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! She said, “I have some really great news! I’m pregnant!!!”
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!” Then she said, “There’s more.”

I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?” She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said “Well, I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

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Parking Attendant

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were $1 for cars,$5 for buses.

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up. The Zoo Management called the City Council and asked to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo’s own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $360 per day, for 25 years. No one knows his name.

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Construction Worker

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site. She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed the worker yelled “Well you’re an ugly broad anyway!”

The girl turned around and replied “It must be terrible when even an ugly broad won’t give you the time of day?”

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Empty Church

A farmhand went to church one Sunday, but when he entered he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the farmhand if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

“Well,” said the farmhand, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d still feed him.”

So the minister began his sermon. An hour passed, then two hours, then two and a half hours. Finally the preacher finished and asked the farmhand whether he had enjoyed the sermon.

“Well,” said the farmhand, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay.”

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Doing Chores

A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the exam was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor said, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

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A Plumber

A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”

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Two Hunters

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.”

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity.

Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”

“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year.”

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