A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.” The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!”
The doctor says, “Good, Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
While walking home from school one day, little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to see what was happening and I saw and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”
At this point, his mother had an idea and cut him off. “Johnny, this is such an interesting story. I think you should save the rest of it for supper time because I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
Later that night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, “and then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
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A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. ‘Let’s see yer fishin’ license, Boy!’ the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. ‘Well, son,’ said the Game Warden, ‘you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!’ ‘Yes, sir,’ replied the young guy, ‘but my friend back there, well, he doesn’t have one.’Rate This Post :
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”Rate This Post :
One Monday morning, Shane the mailman, was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
“Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” Shane commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o’clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”
Shane thought for a moment and said, “How do you play WHO AM I?”
“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The mailman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun, I’m sorry I missed it.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” David responded, “Your name came up 7 times.”Rate This Post :
A rather well proportioned young lady spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The hotel doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”
“What difference does it make,” the woman asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here.”
“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed little man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”Rate This Post :
The man went grocery shopping with his wife. They split to save time, he was to get produce and she would get dairy. With his hands full of fruit and veggies, the man walked over to the dairy section to meet with his wife, but he couldn’t see her anywhere. After walking up and down a few aisles, he approached the very beautiful woman in aisle 9 and said, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Sure, but how will that help?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”Rate This Post :
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, and brighten her teeth! Crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?” Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?” God replied: “I didn’t recognize you!”Rate This Post :
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
–Woody AllenRate This Post :
So, I was driving down College Road the other day. As I went past one of the traffic cameras I saw it flash. Now, I knew I wasn’t speeding and laughed that it took my picture. I turned around and drove past it again, almost 10MPH under the speed limit, it flashed at me again. I did this repeatedly and the last time I was at a crawl, laughing my butt off that it took my picture again, how funny was this.
Two weeks later I got 6 tickets in the mail for not wearing a seat belt.Rate This Post :