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Pet Chicken

A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets. “Who’s the other ticket for?” the ticket girl asked. “For my pet chicken.” He said, pointing to the bird.

“I’m sorry,” the girl tells him, “but we don’t allow animals in the theater.”

The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.

The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, “Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!”

Amanda replied, “Oh, don’t worry about it. Just ignore him. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

The woman whispered back, “I know, I know, but this one’s eating my popcorn!”

The Marine

A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The Marine shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!”

The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

Expensive Funeral

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jodi. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”

“All of it?” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”

“Two and a half carats.”

Keeping up with Technology

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

“If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, “you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 100 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $200.”

“Sure,” says the GM chairman. “But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?”

Walking the Dog

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” Mom replied, “No, because she is in heat.” “What’s that mean?” asked the child. “Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl went to the garage and said, “Dad, may I take Sasha for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.” Dad said, “Bring Sasha over here.” Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, dabbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, “OK, you can go now, but keep Sasha on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Sasha?” The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”