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Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall.
The first one says, “I am very sorry about that, I didn’t see you I was looking for my wife.”
“No worries, I’m looking for mine too, I don’t know what happened to her, or where she is.” replies the other man.
The first one suggests “Well, what does your wife look like? I can help you search if you help me too.”
The other man replies, “Well, she’s tall, gorgeous legs, big breasts, tight butt, cute face, thick lips, and so on, what about yours?”
“Forget about mine, let’s look for yours!!”
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”
The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”
God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.
A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”
God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”
The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake?”
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 50th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was eighty.
Every Friday night, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the donation box at church. This went on for weeks until the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
“Mrs. Bradley, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”
“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
“Oh, $2,000 a week.”
“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”
“I believe he is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”
“Well, he has one cat house in Chicago, and another in Dallas…”