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The Confession

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
The priest is silent for a moment, and then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that smirk off your face.”

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What’s That Buzzing?

As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: ‘What in the world are you doing?’

The daughter replied: ‘Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter with a vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from the living room. She walked up and found her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: ‘And what do you think you’re doing with that?’

The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’

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A Special Pig

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, “Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids.”

“That’s amazing sir but why does that pig onlly have three legs?” said the man.

“Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn’t. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren’t for that pig we would all be dead.”

“But still, that doesn’t explain why the pig only has 3 legs.”

“And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was.”

“Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?” the man said quite annoyed at this point.

“Well,” said the farmer, “with a pig that special…
you have to eat ‘em real slow.”

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A Prayer

There was this little boy who went to a Catholic school in Michigan. One day at school he went to a nun and said, “I would like to have a brand red bicycle.”

The nun said, “Before you go to bed tonight, when you get on you knees, ask God if you can have a brand new red bicycle.”

So that night the little boy got on his knees and said, “God, if you will give me a brand new bicycle I will be good for 6 months. Amen.”

He got into bed and thought to himself, “Man, there is no way I can be good for 6 months!”

So he got back on his knees and said, “God, I will be good for 6 weeks if you will get me a new red bicycle.”

Then he got back in bed and thought to himself, “There is no way I can be good for 6 whole weeks!”

So he got back on his knees and said, “Okay God, I will be good for 6 days if you will just get me a brand new red bicycle!”

Well, he got back in bed and laid there for several minutes, thinking. Then he looked put the window and saw the statue of the Virgin Mary in his backyard. He got up took his sheets off the bed, walked outside to the statue, put his sheets around it, walked back inside, and then put the statue under his bed.

He said, “Okay, God, if you ever want to see your mother again, you will get me a brand new red bicycle.”

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Quick on Your Feet

A guy comes to the produce store and asks for half a watermelon. The associate explains they don’t sell halves. The customer insists and finally asks to speak to the manager.

The associate enters the manager’s office and says, “Boss, there is this idiot at the store, insisting on buying half a watermelon…” Suddenly, in the corner of his eye, he saw that the customer followed him all the way to the manager’s office, and he adds, “but then this gentleman came over and said he will buy the other half, so I will sell it to him.”

After the whole incident, the manager congratulates the associate, “You handled that awkward situation really well. You are very quick on your feet. Where are you from?”

“I am from Canada,” replies the associate, “the country where half the people are morons and the other half are hockey players.”

“My wife is Canadian,” says the manager

“Oh yes, which team is she playing for?” replies the associate.

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Curing Fears

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink in search of a solution.
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year”, said the shrink.
“Come talk to Me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit”, replied the doctor.
“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?”, he asked.
“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?”, and, with a bit of an attitude, the doctor said, “and just how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”

 

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Blind Date

Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andy, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry.” Danny says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, and then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! And fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Andy knocks at Shirley’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”

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Stranded on an Island

There’s this guy who has been stranded on a deserted island, all alone for 10 years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!” he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, Man, oh man! Is that good!

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a nice cold beer?” He replies, “Oh, God, it’s been at least 10 years!” She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a dry ice pack from around an ice cold beer, hands it to him and watches as he take a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?” And the man replies, “Good God, woman! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

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Gas Problem

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.” The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!”
The doctor says, “Good, Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

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Guess What Johnny Saw

While walking home from school one day, little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to see what was happening and I saw and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”

At this point, his mother had an idea and cut him off. “Johnny, this is such an interesting story. I think you should save the rest of it for supper time because I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

Later that night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, “and then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

 

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