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Jumping Drunk

Two men were sitting at the bar on the top floor of the Empire State Building.

One man says to the other, “You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.”

The other man says “Get outta here,  you’re joking aren’t you?”

The first man says “No, here, I’ll prove it!” He stands on the window ledge, jumps out and comes back in through the 90th floor window.

The other man says. “That was just a one off. Do it again!” So the first man does it again and comes through on the 90th floor. He runs back up and says “See, I’m telling the truth!”

The second man says, “Wow, I’m gonna do it too then.” He stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.

The barman, who just caught the end of this says to the first man, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk!”

Little League

At the Little League meet up, the coach calls over little Charlie, bends down and looks him straight in the eyes.

“Look, Charlie,” the coach says, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship, correct? You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”

“Yes sir, I understand.”

“Good, Charlie. Now, would you go and explain that to your father?”

The Sportsman’s Double

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that? I asked. ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night’. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom, you still awake?’

Father of Many

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and said, “I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, “My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”

The priest, getting impatient, said “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly… but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”

Grandma

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

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