Railway Job

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”

Billy Bob replied, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”

“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.

“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Billy Bob, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”

“What if that had been struck by lightning?”

“Then,” Billy Bob continued, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“Well in that case,” persevered Billy Bob, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”

“What if that was vandalized?”

“Oh, well then I’d run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.”

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

Billy Bob answered, “Well, Uncle Lester ain’t never seen a train wreck!”

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Buying Dog Food

Yesterday I was at my local Walmart store buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the dog diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with the nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me. The guy behind me in the line almost got a heart attack and I got in trouble with the Walmart’s manager.

Moral of the story: Don’t ask retired people stupid questions. They have the time to come up with the damnest responses.

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Blonde and Turkey

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

“Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter.

“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked.

“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”

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Medical School Exam

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the questions asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered “spine” are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

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Dead Mule

A pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department.There he was told since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. But the sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me any way? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”

The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. Then, he replied “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

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High Class Pig

A farmer decided one day that he wanted to breed his prize-winning hog. So, he put her in a cart and wheeled her to a farm five miles away, to breed with a high class pig. He paid $20 for the stud fee, and after they were done, brought his hog back to his farm.

The next day he went out to check and see if she was pregnant, but she was not. So, he put her back in the cart and wheeled her to a farm that was ten miles away, bred her with the pig there, who was said to be of higher class than the first, and paid his $50 stud fee. Then brought the hog back home.

But, when he checked the next day, she still was not pregnant! This time he wheeled her to a farm that was twenty miles away, and was the home of one of the best pigs in the county. He paid a $100 stud fee, and then wheeled his hog all the way back home and went to bed.

In the morning the farmer was just too exhausted to get out of bed and go see if his hog was finally pregnant, so he asked his wife to check for him. The wife came back and told her husband, “Well, she ain’t pregnant, but I found her in the cart and ready to go.”

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Emergency Response

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times.

“Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged one, “we’ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.”

“Not bad,” the second paramedic commented, “but by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we cut our average response time by 20 percent.”

“That’s nothing” said the third paramedic. “Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our average response time in half!”

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Marriage Counseling

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counselor office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. They were two city girls and one farm girl.The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method.” “That will work,” said the counselor, “but only if you keep a good record.”

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don’t forget to take them”.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short pause, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going. They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was still slim and trim.

The counselor asked the first girl what went wrong with her method. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”’

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied,“The birth control pill, but we were camping one weekend and I didn’t have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”

He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don ‘t have a clue
what the bucket and saucer method is.Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.”

She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him”.

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Buck Hunting

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters, who happened to be blonde, returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

“Where’s Henry? one of his camp mates asked.”

“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.”

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”

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Peace Operation

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent abroad as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?”

“Normal procedure, lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.”

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