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Police at the Gates

Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”

“I was a police officer,” he responded.

“What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked.

“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”

“Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates.” He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.

“I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”

“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.” He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.

“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.

“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”

Big Buck

Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher.

As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was.

Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer.

He said with much confidence, “The pastor shot the buck!”

The friends were amazed that he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination.

The game warden just smiled. “It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.”

Organic Produce

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

DMV Lines

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “that’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

Magic Mirror

A woman walked into an antique store that was down the street from her home. As she wondered around the store the clerk asked her what she was interested in. She said she was interested in buying a mirror.

He showed her a couple mirrors then told her he had a special, magic mirror in the back. She laughed, and said yeah, right! He showed her to the mirror and told her: All you have to say is “Mirror Mirror on the door” then ask for anything. She gave it a try.

Mirror Mirror on the door, make my breast a 44.

KABOOM. She had some huge breast

She ran down the street to her house to show her husband. She told him of the magic mirror on the corner. He raced out the door headed to the antique shop. As he arrived he told the clerk he wanted to try the magic mirror. The clerk took him out back where the mirror was and told him what to say. The man looked at the mirror and said

Mirror Mirror on the door–make my manhood touch the floor

KABOOM. His legs fell off.