Stingy Old Man

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”

She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.” She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

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A Priest and a Rabbi

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying “I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, “I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.”

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, “Your religion, too…I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But….”

The priest replied, “Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.”

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, “Better than pork, isn’t it?”

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What $10 Gets You

A man stops off at a bar after work to have a couple of drinks. He starts talking to this woman, and even though the guy is married, he thinks she is so fine that he agrees to go back to her place.

When he gets to her place, he finds out that she is a prostitute and that she wants $100.

“Forget it,” the man says, “you never told me you were a prostitute. All I do have is $10 on me, will you take that?”

“You won’t get any decent prostitute for that,” the hooker says. She throws the guy out.

Later that night, the man and his wife go out to dinner. While they are eating, the same prostitute who happens to also be eating there recognizes the guy. She comes up to him and says, “See, I told you. Look at the kind of trash you’ll pick up for $10.”

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Lion Tamer

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”

The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”

“I can figure it out!”

“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”

“Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.”

“Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?”

“Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.”

“Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”

“Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.”

“Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?”

“Well, then I pick up some of the crap that’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.”

“Well, what if there ain’t no crap on the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?”

“Well, that’s dumb. If that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be some crap on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.”

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The Proposition

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, “Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?”

In a strident voice, she responded, “How dare you make such a proposition to me!”

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, “I just asked for the time, miss.”

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, “I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!”

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, “I’m terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements.”

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, “YOU’D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT’S THAT?….. AND YOU’D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!”

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Final Exam

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, or a serious personal injury, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,

“Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

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The Best Beer

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”

The Guinness resident replies “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”

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Elaborate Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. One thing that got everyone’s attention, was a huge flower covered heart on the wall behind the casket.
After the usual sermon by a preacher and testimonials from friends and colleagues, everyone finally learned the purpose of the huge heart. After a moment of silence, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
The long, stunned hush of the mourners was broken when a man near the front burst into laughter.
The preacher demanded an explanation.
“I’m sorry,” the man said, “I just pictured my own funeral.”
“And why would that be funny?” inquired annoyed preacher.
“I’m a proctologist!” said the man chuckling.

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Calling a Witness

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

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Hunting Contest

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all entered a hunting contest. The winner could win $500.

The redhead went out, found some tracks, followed the tracks, and came back with a 250 pound bear.

Then the brunette went out, found some tracks, followed the tracks, and came back with a 275 pound buck.

Finally, the blonde had to beat 275lbs, so she went out and found some tracks. She followed the tracks and came back with a broken leg and an arm, no teeth and blood all over.

The judge asked “What happened????”

The blonde said “I found some tracks, followed the tracks, and got hit by a train.”

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