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The Gorilla Golfer

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. “Is anyone interested in a little wager?” he said, flashing some large bills around. “I’ve got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!”

Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, “I gotta see this!” he said. “You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee.”

When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The
gorilla did the rest.

Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green — 6 inches from the cup.

The pro was astonished. “That’s incredible!” he exclaimed. “How did you train him to hit the ball like that? There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t beat him with a stick. Here’s your money.”

As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, “Oh, by the way, how does he putt?”

The trainer responded, “Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time.”

Naval Negotiations

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m in a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There is one last reply. “I’m in a lighthouse. Your call.”

Einstein’s Speech

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.

“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Bad Words

Joe’s dad scolded him for breaking the neighbor’s window with a baseball.

“What did he say to you when you broke his window?” asked the father.

“Do you want to hear what he said with or without the bad words?”

“Without, of course.”

“Well, then, he said nothing.”