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In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.
An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”
“He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?” the wife asked.
“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar’s leg in it!”
An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time.
Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground. Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”
A drunk stumbled out the door of the bar. He stood on the corner waiting for the light. His wife calls and asks if he is drunk. The man replies, “Of course not!”
Being suspicious that he is drunk, she says, “Okay then, tell me where you are and I will come and get you.”
The drunk replies, “I am at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK!”
Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, “What were you doing?”
“Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.”
The judge asks the second gentleman, “And what were you doing?”
“I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.”
“Sounds harmless,” says the judge. He turns to the third person, “And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?”
“No, sir. I AM Peanuts!”
After church, little Johnny and his brother go ice fishing.
Little Johnny starts drilling on the ice when a voice from above says, “Young man, there’s no fish down there. Go home.”
Little Johnny asks his brother, “Who is that?”
His brother replies, “I don’t know.”
So little Johnny starts to drill again and the voice says again, “For the second time, there’s no fish down there. Go home.”
Little Johnny asks his brother, “Could that be God?”
His brother replies again, “I don’t know.”
Little Johnny starts drilling again and the voice says once more, “Young man, for the last time, I’m telling you there’s no fish down there. Go home.”
Johnny looks up and asks, “Is that you, God?”
The voice says, “No, I’m the manager and the rink’s closed.”