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Buying Wood

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”
The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”
The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

A New Instrument

My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said My Dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” I asked.

“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

Tea Party

Mother went out and left dad in charge of their 3 year old daughter.

The daughter was playing with her tea set she got for her birthday, it was her favorite toy. Dad was in the living room watching football when his daughter brought him a cup of tea which was only water.

After several cups of “tea” the woman came home. Dad made her wait in the room to watch his daughter bring him a cup of “tea”, because he thought it was so cute.

Mother waited, and sure enough, the daughter brought him a cup of tea, the woman watched him drink the tea and thank his daughter for such a lovely drink. Then she said to her husband, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

Mental Hospital

A visitor at a mental hospital asks the director what the criteria are for defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the doctor, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket as it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” replied the director. “A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?”

Happy Daddy

A mother and father read a bedtime story of a king to their five year old son. As the story concludes, the son says, “Mom, I also want five wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me…”

Mom: “And one will put you to sleep!”

Son: “No mom, I will still sleep with you.”

Mom’s eyes fill up with tears: “God bless you son.”

Mom continues: “But who will sleep with your 5 wives?”

Son: “Let them sleep with daddy.”

Daddy’s eyes fill up with tears: “God bless you son.”