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When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.
Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
Once the cop pulled over Chuck Norris. The cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afraid to move.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crossed Chuck Norris and lived.
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the White House. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It read: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits. He also sold them their optional GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales. This had never happened before. Rather than ask, the Captain did a “random walk” and stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. It went something like this:
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.” “Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
A crusty looking old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,”I want to open a damn checking account.”
To which the astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.” With that the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old man, “What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem”, the man says, “I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”
“Damn”, says the manager, “Is my idiot employee giving you a hard time?”