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Learning To Fly

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

Buying Dog Food

Yesterday I was at my local Walmart store buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the dog diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with the nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me. The guy behind me in the line almost got a heart attack and I got in trouble with the Walmart’s manager.

Moral of the story: Don’t ask retired people stupid questions. They have the time to come up with the damnest responses.

Medical School Exam

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the questions asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered “spine” are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

Dead Mule

A pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department.There he was told since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. But the sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me any way? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”

The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. Then, he replied “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

High Class Pig

A farmer decided one day that he wanted to breed his prize-winning hog. So, he put her in a cart and wheeled her to a farm five miles away, to breed with a high class pig. He paid $20 for the stud fee, and after they were done, brought his hog back to his farm.

The next day he went out to check and see if she was pregnant, but she was not. So, he put her back in the cart and wheeled her to a farm that was ten miles away, bred her with the pig there, who was said to be of higher class than the first, and paid his $50 stud fee. Then brought the hog back home.

But, when he checked the next day, she still was not pregnant! This time he wheeled her to a farm that was twenty miles away, and was the home of one of the best pigs in the county. He paid a $100 stud fee, and then wheeled his hog all the way back home and went to bed.

In the morning the farmer was just too exhausted to get out of bed and go see if his hog was finally pregnant, so he asked his wife to check for him. The wife came back and told her husband, “Well, she ain’t pregnant, but I found her in the cart and ready to go.”