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Getting Screwed

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

“I want to get screwed,” said the man.

“OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot,” answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

“Hey,” exclaimed the sport, “I want to get screwed!”

“What?” said the voice, “Again?”

Friends Golfing

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only nine holes.

Sid says to Barney, ‘Let’s say we make the time worth while, at least for one of us and put $5 on the lowest score for the day.’ Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game.

After the eighth hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke but cuts his ball into the rough on the ninth.

‘Help me find my ball. You look over there,’ he says to Sid. After five minutes, neither has had any luck and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ‘I’ve found my ball,’ he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, ‘After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?’

‘What do you mean cheat?’ says Barney, ‘I found my ball right here.’

‘And a liar too,’ Sid says with amazement, ‘I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes.’

Message from Beyond

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. While typing in her address, he accidentally typed an extra letter and without realizing, sent the email to a widow who just returned from her husband’s funeral.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from friends and relatives. After reading the first email she fainted.

Her son rushed in to check on his mother and saw the computer screen with the message:

“To my loving wife. I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here and we are allowed to email our loved ones. I’ve just been checked in. How are you and the kids? The place is really nice, but I feel lonely without you. I have made necessary arrangements for your arrival tomorrow. I am excited and can’t wait to see you.”

Caught in the Act

A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s going on?” she asks.

“I think I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, “Mommy, Mommy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on.”

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband. Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

“You rotten bitch”, she screams. “My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids?!”

Stuck-up

A man rushes home and from the door bellows “Guess what I heard in the bar today?”

The wife smiles and replies “Some new gossip from your buddies?”

The man nods excitedly and says “They said the milkman has slept with every woman on our block except one.” Here he gives his wife a proud smile.

The wife frowns, thinks about it for a moment and replies, “I’ll bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis in No. 23. She hates blue collar workers.”

 

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