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Lie Detecting Robot

John was a salesman’s’ delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. “Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John. “Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. “Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.” “We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie..” said Tommy. “What did you watch?” asked Marsha. “The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy.. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

“I am ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.” The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy.After all, He is your son!” With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

White Sharks

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied a group of people playing too far from the shore.
“Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the group.
“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!”

Reunion

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

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Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

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Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.

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Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

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Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

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Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

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Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

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Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

Lonely While Traveling

Ethel was traveling alone and she was a bit lonely in the hotel all on her own. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sex and have some fun.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum. She figured, “What the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.”

After a short ring, there was a response, “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?” Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!!! Now how does that sound?”

The male voice responded, “That sounds absolutely fantastic madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

Favorite Sport

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”

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