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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.” “He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”
The cabbie said, “I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn’t know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible.
He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?”
The trooper paused to take another swat and said, “Well, yes, if that’s what they are. I’ve never heard of circle flies.”
The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. “Circle flies are common on farms. They’re called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse.”
The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says, “Hey, are you trying to call me a horse’s behind?”
“Oh no, officer.” The farmer replies. “I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that.”
“That’s a good thing,” the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer added, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret looked him over. “Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yelled, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Margaret?”
“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.
“It’s hanging down, because it’s looking at my new BOOTS!!!!”
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”
A policeman radio’s in to the station.
“Hello, is that you Sarge?”
“Yes? Go ahead” comes back the answer.
“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“No sir. The floor is still wet.”
A young boy went into a grocery store and asked the clerk for a can of cat food. The clerk, wanting to have some fun with the boy, told him that he could not sell him cat food unless he proved that he had a cat. The boy then left empty handed.
A few days later the same boy asked the same clerk for a can of dog food. Again the clerk replied that unless he could prove that he had a dog that he could not sell him the dog food.
A few days later the boy came in again and handed a paper bag to the clerk. The clerk put his hand in the bag and found that the bag was full of poop The boy then said, “Now, can you sell me some damned toilet paper!”