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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
One year, Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter today, I might never get another chance.” To this, Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
Last night I was at a party and had a beer or two, but wasn’t even dizzy, let alone drunk. After the party I got into my car and two minutes later noticed flashing lights in my rear view mirror. I slowed down, pulled over, got my documents ready, and rolled down my window. A cop walks over and says the usual:
– Good evening Sir, can I see your license and registration? Have you had anything to drink tonight?
– Evening officer. I was just on my way home from a party and did have two beers, but nothing more than that.
– Hmmmm, two beers? That’s it? You sure you didn’t have a few more drinks? Let me ask you something. Let’s say that you are in an dark street and you see two lights coming towards you. What do you think that is?
– I suppose that would be a car.
– Yes, it is a car, but what kind of car: a Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?
– No idea, the street is dark. No way I could tell the car make!
– Alright, let me ask you something else. Same street, but this time you see only one light. What would that be?
– I presume a motorcycle.
– Yes, that’s right but what kind of a motorcycle: a Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley Davidson?
– No idea officer.
– Hmmm, I think you had a bit too much to drink. Can you please step out of the vehicle?
– Sure, but let me ask you one question officer. You’re driving down a dark alley and see a woman wearing a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, and high heels. Who is she?
– She’s obviously a prostitute.
– Yes, she is, but is she your mother, your sister or your daughter?
Needless to say, I was immediately charged with drunk driving and taken downtown for processing. But I wasn’t drunk, I swear.
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”
“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!” the manager asked.
“That’s the one!”
“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”
An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest.
“You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now.”
As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”
“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest. “But, I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”
“But Father,” protested the young priest. “My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”
“Yes,” replied, the elderly priest. “I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!”