Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two a–holes.”
“What? He had two a–holes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ’em, but everyone knew he had two a–holes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two a–holes!”
A guy is doing some handyman work at a house. Across the room is a large gray parrot on a perch. The family dog comes into the room and jumps up on the couch. The parrot says, “Get off the couch!” and the dog jumps down immediately.
A small child comes into the room with toys and the parrot says, “Go to your room!” and the child picks up his toys leaves without hesitation.
The guy turns to the parrot and says, “I’ve never seen anything like that before.”
The parrot looks at the guy and says, “Get back to work!”
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”