Laying Down The Rules

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want… and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin’, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”

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Satan’s Process

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line for the judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of Heaven while others were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.

“Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,” he said. “I’m waiting in line for my judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of Hell with the others?”

“Ah, those…” Satan said with a groan. “They’re all from Seattle; they’re too wet to burn!”

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Excuse

Two high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.

After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said, “First Question: Which tire was flat?”

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Deer Hunting

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asked her, “What are you up to?”
Alice smiled. “I’m going hunting with you!”
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”
Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake ran back.
As he got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!”
Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

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Lumberjack

Oly was working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally sliced off all ten of his fingers.

He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor who examines him is really disturbed at such a tragedy. “Oh, yuck! Well, that’s all right, Oly, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do for you.”

“I haven’t got the fingers,” Oly said, gasping through his pain.

The doctor said, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 2017. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have reattached the fingers. You’d be as good as new! Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

“Well, geez, Doc,” Oly groaned, I couldn’t pick ’em up.”

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