A fellow dies and goes to hell. To his surprise, when he enters his new apartment in hell, he is welcomed by a room full of beautiful blondes. He moves through his new apartment and finds that the other room is filled with kegs of beer.
He goes out and asks his neighbor, “Hey, is your apartment filled with hot blondes and chilled kegs of beer too?”
“It sure is,” says the neighbor.
The man smiles widely and asks, “So tell me, am I missing something? What’s so bad about this place?”
“Well,” said the neighbor with a frown, “the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don’t!”
On the school’s photo day the children had all been photographed in their nice outfits. After the photo session, the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
With a wide smile she said, “Pictures are keepsakes forever. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There is Jennifer, she is a lawyer now’; or ‘That is Michael, he is a Doctor now’, or “Remember Johnny? He was always making jokes in class.'”
In the back of the room, Johnny sounded off “And here is the teacher, she is dead now!!!”
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with T.
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God’s first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, 1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God has two-first names and they are Andy and Howard.”
Saint Peter said, “OK I’ll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it’s not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God’s first name was either Andy or Howard?”
Forrest responded, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,…” “OK, I give in” said Saint Peter, but what about the God’s first name stuff?
Forrest said, “Well, from the song… Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own… and the prayer… Our Father which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name….”
Saint Peter let him in without further ado!
This past spring semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid “A’s.”
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.
So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page.
Next page featured one question worth 95 points: “Which tire?”
Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said “Oh, Mr Reiss, your barracks door is open.”
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked “By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?”
Maggie, though very polite was also quite witty,”Why, no, Mr. Reiss” she replied. “All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags.”