A woman went to her psychologist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychologist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face while you are having sex?”
“Well, yes, I did last time,” she replied.
“How did he look?” the psychologist asked.
“Very angry,” she said.
“We must look into this further.” said the psychologist. “You say that you have only seen your husband’s face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it happen that you saw his face that time?”
“He was looking through the window at us,” she answered.
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter and starts again. “Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” he continued writing in his notebook.
“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man, “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball–stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!'”
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want… and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin’, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line for the judgment.
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of Heaven while others were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,” he said. “I’m waiting in line for my judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of Hell with the others?”
“Ah, those…” Satan said with a groan. “They’re all from Seattle; they’re too wet to burn!”