The Eulogy

One woman married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 3 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 4 more children.

At last, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his
commandment to “Go forth and multiply.” In his eulogy, the preacher said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, “Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?”

The neighbor replied, “I think he’s referring to her legs.”

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Religious Man

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

“Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?”

And a great voice was heard from above: “BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”

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In Hell

A fellow dies and goes to hell. To his surprise, when he enters his new apartment in hell, he is welcomed by  a room full of beautiful blondes. He moves through his new apartment and finds that the other room is filled with kegs of beer.

He goes out and asks his neighbor, “Hey, is your apartment filled with hot blondes and chilled kegs of beer too?”

“It sure is,” says the neighbor.

The man smiles widely and asks, “So tell me, am I missing something? What’s so bad about this place?”

“Well,” said the neighbor with a frown, “the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don’t!”

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Photo Day

On the school’s photo day the children had all been photographed in their nice outfits. After the photo session, the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

With a wide smile she said, “Pictures are keepsakes forever. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There is Jennifer, she is a lawyer now’; or ‘That is Michael, he is a Doctor now’, or “Remember Johnny? He was always making jokes in class.'”

In the back of the room, Johnny sounded off “And here is the teacher, she is dead now!!!”

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Forest at the Pearly Gates

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with T.
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God’s first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, 1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God has two-first names and they are Andy and Howard.”

Saint Peter said, “OK I’ll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it’s not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God’s first name was either Andy or Howard?”

Forrest responded, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,…” “OK, I give in” said Saint Peter, but what about the God’s first name stuff?

Forrest said, “Well, from the song… Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own… and the prayer… Our Father which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name….”

Saint Peter let him in without further ado!

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