Hunting in the Rain

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting right now?”

Lists

An elderly woman returns from her doctor and proclaims that he said that you need to write lists to assist a failing memory.

Her husband explodes with mild invective ending with “I’m NOT making any lists – my memory is OK.”

While watching TV that evening, the wife says “I could just kill for a dish of ice cream.”

“Me too” he exclaims as he totters toward the kitchen.

“With strawberries and chocolate syrup” and then she adds “you better make a list!”

“I saw the freshly cut strawberries and the Hershey’s chocolate syrup is on the top shelf in the refrigerator. So I don’t need your confounded LIST.” The old man bangs around the kitchen for 14 minutes and returns with two plates of bacon and eggs.

His wife looks at her plate and stridently exclaims “See I told you to make a list because you have forgotten my toast.”

It’s Dark in Here

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “It’s dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy, “I have a baseball. Want to buy it?” Man, “No, thanks.” Boy, “My dad’s outside, I can scream.” Man, “OK, how much?” Boy, “$250″

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy, “It’s dark in here.” Man, “Yes, it is.” Boy, “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy, “$750″ Man, “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy, “$1,000″ The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. It is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The voice replies, “Don’t you start that crap here.”

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