A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
A farmer and his brand new wife were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, “That’s once.”
A little farther down the road the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, “That’s twice.”
A little while later the horse stumbled yet again. The farmer didn’t say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand-new wife yelled, telling him, “That was an awful thing to do.”
The farmer responded, “That’s once.”
A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says: “Get gas and free sex here”. So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.
“Pick a number from 1 – 10 to get free sex.” said the cashier.
“Uh, okay, 3!” the man replied.
“Nope! Sorry play again”.
So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex.
One day he was really ticked, “This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex!” He screamed.
“Oh no! It’s not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!”