A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. “Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?”
The blonde turns around and says, “Yeah right! I’m not giving up this machine while I’m still winning!”
When Jim retired, he and his wife, who was much, much younger, moved to a beach town.
Once they’d settled in, he decided it was about time to make a will, so he made an appointment with a lawyer.
“I want it to be nice and straightforward,” he instructed the attorney, “Everything goes to my wife: the house, the car, the pension and the life insurance, under one condition that she remarry within the year.”
“Fine, Mr. Ramsey,” said the lawyer, “But do you mind my asking why the condition?”
“Simple! I want at least one person to be sorry I died.”
Once upon time a four-year-old boy was visiting his aunt and uncle and staying over while his parents went on a vacation. He was a very outspoken little boy and often had to be censured to say the right thing at the right time.
One day at lunch, when the aunt had company, the little boy said, “Auntie, I want to tinkle.” Auntie took the little boy aside and said, “Never say that, sonny. If you want to tinkle, say, ‘I want to whisper.’” And the incident was forgotten.
That night at when Uncle and Auntie were soundly sleeping, the little boy climbed into bed with them. He tugged at his uncle’s shoulder and said, “Uncle, I want to whisper.” Uncle said, “All right, sonny, just don’t wake Auntie up. Whisper in my ear.” So the little boy did.