Olive Salesman

The Hodja (a teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her. She shook her head and told him she didn’t have any money with her.

“No problem,” the Hodja grinned. “You can pay me later.” She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste.

“Oh no, I can’t, I’m fasting,” she responded.

“Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!”

“Yes, well, I missed a day and I’m making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives.”

“Forget it!” shouted the Hodja. “If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed Allah, who knows when you’ll get around to paying me!”

Disconnected

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, but after a few minutes she eventually “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT????!!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…”You’re just not in Touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just Love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT???!!!”
I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

Early Days of Marriage

After being married for 50 years, a man took a careful look at his wife and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junky car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But every night, I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now, we have a $750,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and an 80-inch flat screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old saggy woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

After a moment of pause, the wife replied, “Why don’t you go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and I will make sure that you would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”

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