A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up,
“Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she said. “Grandpa, did God make me, too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”
A fellow dies and goes to hell. To his surprise, when he enters his new apartment in hell, he is welcomed by a room full of beautiful blondes. He moves through his new apartment and finds that the other room is filled with kegs of beer.
He goes out and asks his neighbor, “Hey, is your apartment filled with hot blondes and chilled kegs of beer too?”
“It sure is,” says the neighbor.
The man smiles widely and asks, “So tell me, am I missing something? What’s so bad about this place?”
“Well,” said the neighbor with a frown, “the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don’t!”
A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
“My wife is poisoning me,” the man replied.
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, “I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, “Yes!”
Rabbi replies, “Take the poison.”