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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

The Number

The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, “Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?”
After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, “Well, I’m waiting.”
And the guy takes a deep breath and says, “Well, I’m still counting.”

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New Year’s Conflict

As in many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch with family.

Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.

“See?” Janet said happily, “You didn’t miss a thing.”

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Psychology Test

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

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Auction Parrot

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot that was supposed to be able to talk. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.

He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

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Missing Husband

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”

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Little Leprechaun

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands.
When he got back to class his teacher asked, ‘What do you have in your hand.’ The boy said, ‘A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.’
He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him, ‘What do you have in your hand.’ So the little boy said, ‘A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.’
He was sent home and his mom asked him ‘What do you have in your hand.’ So the little boy said, ‘A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.’
He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked, ‘What do you have in your hand.’ So again the little boy said, ‘A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.’
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, ‘Open your hands!’
The little boy opened his hands and with tears in his eyes said, ‘Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.’

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Santa’s Vacation

After a busy Christmas Day, Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly.

As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, “Look! The big red one! Isn’t he someone famous?”
Santa thought, “Gee, I’ll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want.” So he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. “No one will know me now, I look just like everyone else!” he thought happily.

As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, “Look! It’s that famous Christmas character!” Santa rushed around a corner to hide.

“It’s my beard!” he thought. “They recognize me because of my long white beard!” So he went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. “I really look like everybody else now!” he thought. So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face.

Suddenly a man shouted, “It’s him! It’s him! Look everybody!”

Santa couldn’t believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, “How did you recognize me?”

The man looked at Santa and said, “You? I don’t know you, but isn’t that four-legged fella with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?”

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Christmas Trouble

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, “Where would you like to put this tree Santa?”

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

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Christmas Accident

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas or they will be rejected.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a nut cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of woman’s underwear. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”

The man answers, “They’re Carol’s.”

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Deep Ravine

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here.”

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, “What’s the matter Ben?”

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”

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