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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Bad Accident

Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well… The bad news first…

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?

Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your designer shoes.

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Behavior Modificators

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification re-enforcers”.

Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment or insurance fraud, she called the physician’s office to inquire.

“What on earth are behavior modification re-enforcers?”

“Lollipops,” was the reply.

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Feeling of Remorse

After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during the sentencing hearing said to the defendant, “Mrs. Packard, after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?”
“I did,” the defendant calmly.
“And when was that?” quipped the D.A.
“When he asked for seconds!” came the reply.

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Bloodthirsty Natives

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, “I’m screwed.”
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: “No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.”
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: “Okay…….NOW you’re screwed!”

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Impatient Shopper

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, “Well, I’ll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!”

“Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the clerk. “With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you’ll be home in no time.”

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Bronze Sculpture

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and an extra one thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”
“You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but, I’ll take the rat.”
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.
As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars, following him.
Rats by the hundreds are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just hundreds but thousands, so that by the time he comes racing to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
“Ah sir, you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.
“No,” says the tourist, “I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a politician!”

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Wrinkle Removal

An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.

On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn’t recognize him at first.

“Rob, is that really you?” said the friend. “You look years younger. I didn’t know you had a dimple in your chin.”

“It’s not a dimple, it’s my belly button” said the old man and his friend laughed.

“If you think that’s funny, take a look at what I’m wearing for a tie!”

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College Freshman

The huge college freshman figured he’d try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach.

“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”

“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”

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Life After Death

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“No, sir,” the clerk replied.

“Interesting.” the boss said. “You see, I never did either but yesterday, after you left early to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

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Old Snake

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

Doc says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

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