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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Stingy Rich Man

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town.

At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, “Pastor, I will contribute $1,000.”

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood back up and shouted, “Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000.”

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, “Pastor, I will double my last pledge.”

He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head. He stood up once more and hollered, “Pastor, I will give $20,000!”

This prompted a deacon to shout, “Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!”

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Word of the Day

Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class if anyone can use the word “beautiful” in a sentence. Little Johnny starts waving his hand in the air immediately.

The teacher calls on little Mary. Little Mary says, “The sunset last night was beautiful.” “Wonderful”, says the teacher. Next she calls on little Susie.

Little Susie says, “There are some beautiful flowers in front of the school.” “Terrific, little Susie”, says the teacher.

Finally she calls on Johnny. Little Johnny says, “My sister’s got beautiful tits!”

“Johnny!!!”, says the teacher in shock. “You can’t say that sort of thing in a classroom! Tonight you have to think up a sentence using the word “beautiful” in it twice and tomorrow morning you’ll tell it to the whole class.”

The next morning she makes Johnny come up to the front of the class to recite his sentence. Little Johnny says, “Last night my sister told daddy she was pregnant and daddy said, ‘Beautiful, just friggin’ beautiful.’”

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Prescription

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the lady replied, “I’m wondering then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’?”

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Friendly Ghost

A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.

Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he took a picture of the ghost.

The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.

When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it.

The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”

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Morning Coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replied, “No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replied, “I can’t believe that! Show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS.”

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Baby Names

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. Her 4-year-old son, Sam, overheard some of his parents private conversations.

One day, when Diane and Sam were shopping, a woman asked Sam if he was excited about the new baby.

“Yes!” Sam said.

“Do you know if you’re getting a sister or a brother?” the woman inquired to entertain the boy.

“No,” exclaimed Sam, “but I know what we are going to name it.”

“Oh, that’s great, can you tell me?” continued the woman.

“If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!” came the reply.

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Leave My Church

The Pastor approached his pulpit one Sunday and said, “Before we get started today I want you to know that there are rumors running rampant. I’ve heard that there are many of you out there been a he’n and a she’n out of wedlock. If you been then get up and get out of my church right now!”

Some couples got up and left.

Then he said, “Some of you been a he’n and he’n. I want you to get up and get out of my church right now!”

Some guys got up and left.

He says, “Some of you ladies been a she’n and she’n. Leave my church right now!” Some women left.

Old Brother Brown in the back got up and was leaving.

Pastor asked, “Where you goin’ Brother Brown?”

Brother Brown replied, “I know sooner or later you’ll be gettin’ to me’n and a me’n and I’m just gettin’ a head start.”

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Severe Turbulence

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night.

A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, “You’re a man of God. Can’t you do something about this?”

He replied, “Sorry, I can’t. I’m in sales, not management.”

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Greatest Golf Ball

First golfer: “I have the greatest golf ball in the world. You can’t lose it.”

Second golfer: “How so?”

First golfer: “If you hit it into the sand, it beeps. You hit it into the water, it floats. If you want to play golf at night it glows.”

Second golfer: “Hey, sounds good. Where did you get it?”

First golfer: “I found it in the woods.”

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Lonely Eve

Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, “I’m lonely I’m tired of eating apples by myself.”

“Okay,” God said, “I’ll create a man for you.”

Eve said, “A man! What’s that?” “He’s a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won’t listen very well, he’ll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he’ll be fun in bed.”

“Sounds great!” said Eve.

“Oh, and one more thing,” God said. “He will want to believe that I made HIM first.”

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