I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!
Sarcastic One-Liners
I applied for a job today and they ask for three references. I wrote, "a dictionary, a Thesaurus, and a map."
May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions!
Life didn't work out, but everything else is not that bad.
Lawyers really aren't all so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.
I'm watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy.
Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!
My dad used to say "Always fight fire with fire." Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way. I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was "You're pretty annoying." but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.