Most days, life is like a soup and I’m a freaking fork.
Sarcastic One-Liners
When people see you laying down with your eyes closed, they still ask “Are you sleeping?” And I’m like, “No. I’m training to die.”
If I had to pay my wife a dollar for every smart thing she says, I’d save a lot of money.
What did I do to give my boss the impression I actually care about what he thinks?
I have to keep reminding my daughter, she's unique just like everyone else.
I often wonder, is my boss always this dumb, or is he making a special effort for me?
Here, let me drop what’s important to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs.
Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
My loyalty cannot be bought. However, it can be rented.
I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.