A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”
The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and said, “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said, “My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest, getting impatient, said “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly… but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”
Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”
A guy at a bar got so drunk, he fell off his stool and vomited all over his shirt. Getting up, he says to the bartender: “Oh no, my wife will start a fight when I get back because now she will know I drank too much.”
The bartender puts $10 into the man’s shirt pocket and says: “Just tell her that it was someone else who vomited on you and in apologies gave you money for dry cleaning.” The man is happy and goes home.
Back home, the man’s wife opens the door and seeing his shirt, she starts yelling: “You were at the bar again…” but the man stops her in her tracks and says: “Yes, I did go to the bar and had just one beer when this other drunk vomited all over me. Check my shirt pocket, he apologized and even gave me $10 for dry cleaning.”
The woman hesitantly checks the pocket and exclaims: “But there’s $20 in here.” “That’s because he also pooped my pants,” explains the man.
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
“What would you like to do next?” he asked.
“I wanna be weighed,” she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed. “One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
“I wanna be weighed,” she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”
“Wousy,” said the girl.
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knows much more about the game then they do, and are really impressed.
After the game they ask her, “How is it that you know so much about baseball?” She says, “Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.”
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.
“What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?”
“That *was* very painful, but was not the most painful part.”
“Was it when they cut off the sack holding the family jewels?”
“That was very painful too, but was not the most painful part.”
“What was the most painful part?”
“The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half.”
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he’d see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, “Sure.”
So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:
“I’ll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down.”
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.
A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.
He called into headquarters on his radio: “Hey, you guys aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there’s a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!”