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Office Manager

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is…“

A New Hat

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Vacation in Jerusalem

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150.”
The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”
The man replied, “Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

A Witness

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.” “He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”
The cabbie said, “I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

Circle Flies

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn’t know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible.
He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?”
The trooper paused to take another swat and said, “Well, yes, if that’s what they are. I’ve never heard of circle flies.”
The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. “Circle flies are common on farms. They’re called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse.”
The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says, “Hey, are you trying to call me a horse’s behind?”
“Oh no, officer.” The farmer replies. “I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that.”
“That’s a good thing,” the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer added, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

Cowboy Boots

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret looked him over. “Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yelled, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Margaret?”
“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.
“It’s hanging down, because it’s looking at my new BOOTS!!!!”
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”

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