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I remember…

I remember being in so much debt that I couldn’t afford my electricity bills, it was a dark time.

Drunk Mistake

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable arse!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Raccoons?..

Raccoons? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?

Time for a Divorce

A traveling salesman is meeting up with his friend who is a lawyer and says, “I think it’s time for a divorce.”
His friend is shocked and replies, “Why do you feel that way?”
“Well, I am pretty sure Mary is cheating on me.” said the salesman.
Becoming more serious, his lawyer friend replied “Can you describe the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s fidelity?”
“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man started, “so naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to Mary. One Sunday morning,” he continued, “we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'”

Three Nurses

Three nurses arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.
“Okay,” he says, “Come on in!”
The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too.
St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question.
She replies that she has been a managed care nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars for the insurance company.
St. Peter replies, “Okay, come on in, but you can only stay three days.”

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