Helicopter Landing

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descent.

The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.

Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”

“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!”

Distraught Husband

An obviously distraught guy walks into a crowded bar, waves his gun and yells, “I have a .45 Colt Auto with eight rounds in the clip and one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”
The bar gets completely silent and no one says a word for an extended period of time. The guy fires one shot in the ceiling and repeats his threat, “Will the man who’s been sleeping with my wife stand up, or should I start shooting randomly?”
After another uncomfortable minute of silence, a faint voice from the back of the room calls out, “You don’t have enough ammo!”

Foreign Language

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Box of Eggs

A woman on her death bed asks her husband to rush home and get a wooden box out from under their bed. The man returns home, gets the box out from under the bed and opens it to find 3 eggs and $7000.00 in cash.
He returns to the hospital and asks his wife, “Honey, why are there 3 eggs and $7000.00 in cash?”
She replied, “Well, over our 35 years of marriage whenever we had bad lovemaking I would put an egg in the box.” So, immediately the husband thought of himself as a love machine.
He asked her, “Well, what is the money for?”
The wife replied, “Every time I got a dozen eggs I sold them!!!

Impressing a Girl

An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot blonde girl walking in.
He asked the trainer standing next to him, “What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?”
The trainer looked him up and down and said; “I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.”

Lost in Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up; stood beside the little boy; and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

“Good morning. Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?”
The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,”Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?”
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