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Call into the Station
A policeman radio’s in to the station.
“Hello, is that you Sarge?”
“Yes? Go ahead” comes back the answer.
“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“No sir. The floor is still wet.”
Teasing Store Clerk
A young boy went into a grocery store and asked the clerk for a can of cat food. The clerk, wanting to have some fun with the boy, told him that he could not sell him cat food unless he proved that he had a cat. The boy then left empty handed.
A few days later the same boy asked the same clerk for a can of dog food. Again the clerk replied that unless he could prove that he had a dog that he could not sell him the dog food.
A few days later the boy came in again and handed a paper bag to the clerk. The clerk put his hand in the bag and found that the bag was full of poop. The boy then said, “Can you sell me some toilet paper!”
Doctor Gone Hunting
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor.
“I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow Jimmy and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I’ll give you a hundred bucks.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Jimmy.
The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks: “So, Buddy, how was your day?”
Jimmy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo Jimmy! The second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him Maalox, sir.” says Jimmy.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the Doctor.
“Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties. She lies down on the table and shouts: Help me – I haven’t seen a man in over two years.”
“Lard Tunderin’ Yeezus, Jimmy!!! What did you do?”
“I put drops in her eyes!!”
Jar of Olives
A guy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.
“Excuse me,” said the bartender, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing,” said the guy, “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
Deep Thinkers
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case.
The Race
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running, I figure I’d better run too!”