I’m in a long…

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend is in the future.

Red Haired Baby

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
“Doctor,” Mr. Spiegel said, “I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said, “even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this, how often do you have sex?”
Mr. Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. “Well, I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“There you have it!” the doctor said confidently. “It’s just rust.”

Unfortunate Switch

A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.
“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.
“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”
“What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.
She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”

If I could meet…

If I could meet my brain the first thing I would probably say is: “It was truly and sincerely horrible working with you.”

You’re slower…

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Smart Pills

One day a boy and his father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.
The boy asked his Dad, “What are these Pop?”
Wanting to tease his son, the father replied, “They’re smart pills, son. Eat them and they’ll make you smarter.”
So the boy ate them and said, “Yuck, they taste just like poop!”
“See,” said his father giggling, “you’re already getting smarter!”

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