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My wife just…..
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
First Drink
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!”
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink! Take another drink!!” The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses,
shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly the bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “He should’ve quit while he was a head.”
Work Problems
Two neighbors were talking about work. One said, “I hate my job, our foreman just decided that we were only going to get 15 minute break twice a day because some people have been taking naps during the longer breaks and were sluggish once woken.”
The other neighbor said, “I got fired this week and have to look for a new job.”
The first one asked, “Say, why did the foreman fire you?”
The other replied, “Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work? Well, I have been doing a lot of that lately and my foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman.”
Sometimes the only…..
Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
”If you can….
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Special Pill
“Doc, you’ve gotta help me! My wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!”
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.”
“I don’t know, Doc, she’s awfully cold…”
“One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?”
“Um… okay.” The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
A few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I…need… a man…”
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me… too…”