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Ladies Man
On the way home from an office party, a wife said to her middle aged husband: “Have I ever told you how sexy and irresistible to women you are?”
“I don’t believe you have dear,” he replied flattered.
“Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?”
Before you marry…….
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
Robbed at Night
One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Murphy’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in me shoe!”
Drinking Buddies
A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
The other one says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.” So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!
The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
“Great”, he said! “Just great!” The buddy says, “Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!
“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing . . . “
“What’s that?”
“Did you fart yet?”
“No . . . ”
“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Phoenix.”
Flying Golf Ball
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
One of the women rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d just allow me!” she told him earnestly.
“Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I’ll be alright… I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to “ease his pain”. She began to massage his groin. After 10 minutes she asked, “Does that feel better?”
The man looked up at her and replied, “Yes, that feels pretty good…. but my thumb still hurts like hell!”