When he talks, it isn’t a conversation. It’s a filibuster
Sarcastic One-Liners
Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
"Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing ANYTHING away EVER. I snuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord."
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
"They say good things take time... That’s why I’m always late.”
"Being an adult is looking both ways before you cross the street and getting hit by an airplane."
"They say good things take time... That’s why I’m always late.”
"Why would someone who has an average life expectancy of 75 years, get married when he is 29?"