I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Sarcastic One-Liners
I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it.
People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters, but if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk."
To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother.
What's blonde and dead in a closet? The 1995 Hide-and-Seek Champion.