A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn’t gotten the license number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” the husband asked.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I never can tell one car from another.”
At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Buick today!”
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit head-on.
One driver, a sweet elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road, if she had just signaled WHICH half she wanted!”
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.
“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer.
“What do they usually do, ma’am,” he asked, “shoot the tires out?”
A blonde saw another blonde weeping beside her car.
“Do you need help?” she asked.
The weeping blonde replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlock thing, now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?”
“Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?” the helpful blonde asked.
“No, just this remote ‘thing,'” the crying blonde answered, handing it and the car keys to the other blonde.
The helpful blonde took the key, manually unlocked the door, and suggested, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries it’s a long walk.”
I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me.
“Sure,” he said, “but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?”
“Try for more, but I will accept $20 each,” I said, and left.
When I returned, my tires were gone. “How much did you get for them?” I asked excitedly.
“Twenty dollars each.”
“Who bought them?”