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Visit with Santa

One year, I needed a second job and worked as a Santa at a huge mall. My disguise was so good, when my wife brought our son to visit Santa, he didn’t recognize me at all. He sat on my lap and asked me for an electric train set.

“If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

Suspicious Kid

A mother and her four year old son were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve. Accidentally, the mom dropped one cookie on the floor.
“No problem,” she said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
“You can’t do that,” argued the child. “It’s now got bacteria on it.”
“Don’t worry,” replied the mom with a sneaky smile, “Santa will never know.”
The child thought about it for a moment and said, with a note of suspicion in his voice, “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good all year, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”

Busted!

New Bike

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

The first nerd was stunned and asked, “Where did you get such a nice bike?”

The second nerd replied, “Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ’Take what you want!’”

The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Bragging on the Plane

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”

“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once,” he replied.

“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”

“Don’t stop.”

Long Line

At a store, a teenage girl stood in line waiting to pay for her items. Three people stood before her in the line. She took out her phone and checked all of her social media accounts, took some selfies and texted a few friends. After 15 minutes she realized that the line wasn’t moving at all.

She shouted at the cashier, “Hey dude, is this line going to take all day long?”

The cashier replied, “Please step aside miss and come here. You are standing behind three mannequins.”

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