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Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. One carried a penalty of 15 years while the other was a life sentence.
The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says, “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”
A mother of a seven year old is called to school where she learns from the principal that her son had just been in a fight.
Feeling the pressure under the watchful eye of the principal she calmly says, “I’m ashamed of you Johnny. Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!”
“He threw a rock at me!” the boy said. “So I threw one at him.”
The mother stated emphatically, “When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to the principal and told him.”
The boy quickly replied, “What good would that have done? My aim is much better than his.”
A father talks to his son about the importance of finding the right partner in life. He made a list of attributes the ideal woman should have and said, “Son, meeting the right woman is not easy, but if you use this list as your guide, you should be just fine.”
His son took the list and reads the items aloud:
“1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.”
With a sigh of doubt, he says to his father, “Sounds like a rather demanding list, and may be hard to find a woman who has all these attributes, dad. How do you find a woman like this?”
“Well son,” replied the father, “You give it a try, but if you can’t find it all in one, you must make sure that these four women don’t know about each other.”
A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
“I want to get screwed,” said the man.
“OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot,” answered the voice.
The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.
“Hey,” exclaimed the sport, “I want to get screwed!”
“What?” said the voice, “Again?”