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Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn’t caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one “How come you’ve been catching all them there fish and I ain’t caught a single one?”
Guy number one replied, ” I don’t know…. why don’t ya come on over here?”
“I don’t know…. I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well”
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, “Why don’t you walk across this here beam of light?”
Guy number two replies “You think I’m stupid? When I get half way you’ll turn it off!!!”
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there — if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”
After the marriage the bride put a box next to her bed and told her husband never to open and check, what’s inside of it. 40 years passed and the husband impatiently opened the box and found there 3 empty bottles of beer and $14,000.
In the evening during the dinner he tells his wife:
– Darling, I have to admit, I opened the box. Would you explain why there are 3 bottles?
– You see, whenever I cheated on you, I emptied a bottle of beer and put it in a box…
The husband gives it a pause and thinks: well, 3 time, that isn’t so much…
– And why do you keep the $14,000 there?
– Well, when the bottles do not fit in the box, I return them and get back the deposit.
Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to pee so they slip into a nearby cemetery. One uses her panties to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone.
Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says “I’m gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no panties last night.” The other one says “Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her butt saying “You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.”
Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
“No”, she replies sleepily.
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”