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At The Pearly Gates

Three people die – a doctor, a school teacher and the CEO of a large health insurance company. When met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, he asks the doctor, ‘What did you do in your life?’

The Doctor replied, ‘I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free.’ St. Peter told the Doctor, ‘You may go in.’

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did. She replied, ‘I taught educationally challenged children.’ St. Peter then told her ‘You may go in.’

At last, he asked the third man, ‘What did you do?’ The man hung his head and replied, ‘I ran a large health insurance company.’ To which St. Peter replied, ‘You may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.’

A Blonde and a Lawyer

There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.

The lawyer fires his first question “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked the lawyer “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?” The lawyer’s face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00. The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word.

The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, “Well, what is answer?”

The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.

The Confession

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
The priest is silent for a moment, and then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that smirk off your face.”

Captain’s Announcement

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto the weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD!”…………..A scream then silence followed.

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you, while I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”.

One angry passenger yelled, “Oh for Pete’s sake, you should see the back of mine!!!”

Voice From Above

A man was walking down the street. All of a sudden he heard a loud voice say “Stop! Stand Still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was crossing the road. Once again, the voice shouted “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where he heck were you when I got married?”

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