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A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday the swelling went down just enough to see her a little out the corner of his left eye!
A young woman knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?” asked the priest.
The woman said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the woman, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, “What’s 2+2?”
“Ummm… 4!” the blonde says.
Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: “What’s the square root of 100?”
“Ummm… 10!” the blonde says.
“Good!” the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. “OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
“Ummm… I don’t know,” she admits.
“Well, you can go home and think about it,” he says, “and come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out.” He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
“Not only did I get the job,” the blonde says, “but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!”
At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.
Son: “Daddy what are those big round things on mommy’s chest?”
Dad: “They’re balloons son. When mommy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Son: “Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mommy kept saying ‘Oh God, oh God,’ but she didn’t float anywhere.”
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.”
The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!”
The doctor says, “Good, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”