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Redneck Obituary

A woman from the deepest South goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died’.”

Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor says, “Sorry ma’am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries.”

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, “In that case, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died – 1983 truck for sale.'”

First Horse Ride

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

Ice Fishing

There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.”

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.”

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. Said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.”

The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?”

“Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the boat in the water yet.”

Smoking After

Two gals lived next door to each other, and, were good friends. Every morning, after their husbands left for work and the kids were off to school, they would just relax and have coffee together, smoking and talking.

One morning, one turned to the other and said, “Do you ever smoke after you’ve had sex?”

The friend looked a bit blank for a minute then responded, “Don’t know, never looked.”

Automotive Dealership

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a blonde mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

“Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!”

To which he replied, “I know — I already got that side.”

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