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A turkey was chatting with a bull.
“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients and will give you the energy you need.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
A sales rep, an administrative clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, “I’ll give each one of you one wish.”
Excited, the admin clerk says “Me first, me first! I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof, she is gone.
“Me next, me next,” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my live.” Poof, he is gone.
“Ok, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager, obviously annoyed says, “I want those two back in my office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
A man and wife were taking a shower when the doorbell rang. The wife says, “I’ll get it” and wraps a towel around her.
She opens the door and sees that it’s her next door neighbor. The neighbor notices that she’s in her towel and says, “Damn you’re so fine! I’ll give you $500 right now if you open your towel and let me get a good look at that beautiful body of yours.”
She says, “$500? Right now?”
He says, “Yeah right now.”
She looks around to make sure the husband is not out of the shower, agrees, opens her towel and lets him get a real good look.
He gives her one long look and hands her the $500.
She gets back in the shower and her husband asks who was at the door. She says that it was the next door neighbor.
The husband replies, “Cool! Did he give you the $500 he owed me?”
An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They’re staring at another man sitting quietly at the bar.
Suddenly the Irishman says, “It’s Jesus!”
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
When he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of a amazement: “My God! The arthritis
I’ve had for 30 years is gone. It’s a miracle!”
Jesus then shakes the Aussie’s hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go the man’s eyes widen with shock. “Strewth, mate, the bad back I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s a miracle!”
Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from him.
“What’s wrong, my son?” says Jesus.
The Newfie shouts, “Don’t touch me, I’m on Workers Compensation!”
The teacher decided that in science class, she would teach her students about different materials.
Standing at the front of the class, she asked, “Children, if you were able to have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”
Raising his hand, little Timmy said, “I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Porsche.”
Next, little Allie raised her hand and said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could by a Corvette.”
“Very good, both of you,” said the teacher. “Johnny, what would you want?”
Little Johnny stood up and said, “Oh, I would want silicon.”
“Why would you want silicon, Johnny?” asked the teacher.
“My mom has two bags of it and you wouldn’t believe all the sports cars outside our house!” he replied.