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A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, “What if the place is still bugged?”
The groom says, “I’ll look for a bug.” He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, “AHA!” Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, “How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?”
The groom says, “Why are you asking me all of these questions?”
The hotel manager says, “Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them.”
New school year started and little Johnny’s teacher said she will ask a quiz question every Friday. If the kids got the question right, they would have no homework and no class on Monday.
The first Friday came and the teacher asked, “Who can tell me how many stars are there in the sky?” Little Jonny jumped up and answered 1000. The teacher said that’s wrong. She assigned the homework and said, “See you all on Monday.”
Next Friday came and the teacher asked, “Who here can tell me how many fish are in the sea?” Little Jonny was called on to answer and he said 10,000. The teacher said “That’s incorrect, see you all on Monday,” and she assigned homework.
Before next Friday came little Jonny bought black bouncy balls. At the end of the class, when the teacher said it was quiz time, Johnny started bouncing them all over the room. Irritated, the teacher asked, “Alright, who is the comedian with the black balls!?!”
Little Jonny raised his hand and exclaimed “Chris Rock! See ya Tuesday!”
Ron Chestnut, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police about 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”
Ron replied, “That would be my wife.”
One lazy Sunday morning, a man and his wife were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table. Unexpectedly, the man said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other jerk using my stuff.”
She looked at him intently and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another jerk?”
Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall.
The first one says, “I am very sorry about that, I didn’t see you I was looking for my wife.”
“No worries, I’m looking for mine too, I don’t know what happened to her, or where she is.” replies the other man.
The first one suggests “Well, what does your wife look like? I can help you search if you help me too.”
The other man replies, “Well, she’s tall, gorgeous legs, big breasts, tight butt, cute face, thick lips, and so on, what about yours?”
“Forget about mine, let’s look for yours!!”