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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning the father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked. “Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in the father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.”
“Oh my,” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked.
“At first, I wanted to trash them too, but after giving it a little thought, I poked holes in all of them,” she replied.
The third nun fainted.
A man goes to a doctor, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, “Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?”
“Oh, that’s not a problem for us men anymore!” says the doctor, “They just came out with this new wonder drug that does the trick! You take the pill and your problems are history.” The doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of days later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
“Doctor, Doctor!” yells the man excitedly, “I’ve got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It’s wonderful! I’ve had sex fourteen times in eight days!”
“Well, I’m glad to hear that” says the pleased doctor, “What does your wife think about it?”
“Wife?” asks the man, “I haven’t been home yet!”
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bath tub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful forever.”
The milkman asked, “Do you still want it “pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”
GREAT NEWS !!!!!
I just figured it out.
I’m a Seenager. (aka Senior teenager)
I have everything I wanted as a teenager, only 71 years later.
I don’t have to go to school,
I don’t have to work.
I get an allowance (OAS, Social Security etc.).
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license.
I own my car.
I have ID that gets me into bars & served alcohol.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
I don’t have acne.
LIFE IS GREAT !!!!!!!!!!!
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!