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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”
“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”
A hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table handlers and says, “I want to bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all the money I have. The only request is that I play topless as I have found that this provides me the most luck at winning.”
The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her bra. She puts the money down on the table and rolls the dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and screaming, “I WON I WON I WON!” She gathers her winnings puts the chips in her bag, puts on her shirt and walks out.
The two men at the table look at each other, one asks the other, “So what did she roll?”
The other man says, “I thought you where watching?”
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” He says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake.”
A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, ‘I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.’ It worked! The headaches are all gone.”
The husband replies, “Well, that’s wonderful.”
His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”
The husband agrees to try it.
The evening after his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, “Wow! That was wonderful!”
The next day, after dinner, the husband carries the wife to the bedroom again, sits her on the bed and runs quickly to the bathroom. When he comes back, they make love again that gets her head spinning.
Same happens the next day, but this time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife.”
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, since he sometimes could be a bit crude, but eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, with a piece of chalk he made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
The teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind, so she asked him just what that was.
“It’s a period,” reported Johnny.
“Well I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period.”
“I hoped you can explain it, but it must be exciting!” said Johnnie, “because this morning my sister said she missed one. Immediately, Mommy fainted, then Daddy had a heart attack and the guy next door ran in dragging Billy with him and screaming bad words right and left.”