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After an ugly divorce, a lady took a little vacation to a tropical island. One day, on her stroll through the old historic park, she finds a lamp. She rubs it and a genie appears.
The genie says to her, “I will make 3 of your wishes come true, but every wish you ask for will be done 10 times more to your husband.”
The lady thinks for a good moment and says, “Ok, I want to be the richest lady ever. I want to be the prettiest lady ever. And I want just a little heart attack!”
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can’t hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy’s chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
“So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling any better now?”
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”
Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.”
A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
“Mom,“ said the boy, “What are all these women doing?”
“They are waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.
The taxi driver turned around and said “Geez, lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They are hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes got wide and he asked, “Is that true, mom?”
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answered in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”
“Most of them become taxi drivers.” she said.
A woman dies and comes to the Pearly Gates where she tells St. Peter that she would like to find her husband who died a few years ago. She gives him her husband’s brief description and name.
St. Peter thinks about it, looks for the name, but he can’t find it. He asks the woman to give more detail. The woman starts: “Well, we’ve been married for 55 years…” St. Peter stops her right there and exclaims: “You should have said that first. I need to look in the Book of Martyrs.”