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Bad Marriage

This couple had a very bad marriage. For years, they have been fighting, cheating on each other and living a miserable life together.

One day, during one of their fights, the wife decided she has had enough and yelled, “I am done with you, pack your stuff and get the hell out of my house.”

The husband turned around, went to the bedroom and started packing a suitcase.

After about an hour, the man emerged with his suitcase in the living room, turned to his wife and said, “Well, I hope you have a great life, you nasty witch.”

Angered, the wife replied, “Oh I hope you die a slow death.”

“So you want me to stay after all.” said the man.

Rednecks Moving

Two rednecks were struggling with a huge table in a doorway. They pushed and pulled and upped it and downed it until both were exhausted.

Between gasps for air, one managed to say, “We better give upcause we’ll never get this table into the house.”

“Into the house?” screamed the other. “I thought we were moving it out of the house!”

Wellness Check

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed.

“Breastfed”, she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist.” The doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know”, she said, “I am his Grandma.”

Sunday Paper

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper.

The bellboy was gone a long time. When he returned, the man remarked, “It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday.”

“There was no trouble with the liquor,” replied the bellboy, “but it’s tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday.”

Highway Speeder

It was the last 10 minutes of his shift on the highway, and this cop had yet to catch a real speeder and score a huge ticket. Just as he was about to give up and drive away, a car appeared on the horizon, moving extremely fast.

The cop pulled up his radar and, score, the driver was going 20 miles per hour over the speed limit. He jumped in his car and turned his siren on, motioning the driver to pull over.  However, the driver just sped up and kept going for a few more miles before finally pulling over.

The cop got out of his car and the driver rolled down his window.

“Oh, I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said with a wide smile to the driver who happened to be a young girl.

The girl replied with a wink, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

The cop laughed and said, “Oh yeah? So why didn’t you pull over right away?” 

“Well, daddy told me to always play hard to get.”

When he stopped laughing, the cop let her go with a warning.