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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation… only this year I’m gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin’ your advice ’bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
“I’m taking Earlene with me.”
A couple gets a divorce, after three years of marriage. The woman decides to date other men. She goes out and dates several men, but is unable to find one who can satisfy her in bed.
After a few months on the lone road, she decides to give dating women a try. She goes out to parties and bars trying to find someone. Then she meets this one woman. They hit it off on the spot and head home to hit the sheets with no further delay.
After having sex, the woman says, “You know, it wasn’t all that good.”
At this point, the other woman rolls over and says, “That’s OK, sugar. You weren’t any better when we were married either.”
Last night, I swung my arm over my wife in bed and it felt a little easier than usual.
“Love, have you lost weight? I asked.
“Awww, thank you honey, that’s so sweet of you, but I don’t think so.” She replied. “In fact if I am honest, I’ve actually piled it on lately.”
“Oh, that explains it,” I said out loud what should have forever stayed unsaid, “you’ve just sunk deeper into the mattress.”
Today I am sleeping on the couch.
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, “He is in Heaven.”
Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows it.
“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'”
The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?!?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks, and believe me, it helps me sleep at night!”