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Parking Attendant

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were $1 for cars,$5 for buses.

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up. The Zoo Management called the City Council and asked to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo’s own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $360 per day, for 25 years. No one knows his name.

Bad Habits

Two old ladies were discussing their husbands. One said: “I do wish George would stop biting his nails. It’s such a horrible habit.”

Her friend said: “My Arnold used to do the same. But I eventually cured him of it.”

“How did you do that?”

“I hid his teeth!”

Before You Leave

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words, “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ “And so, here we are!”

Drinking Buddies

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

The other one says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.” So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

“Great”, he said! “Just great!” The buddy says, “Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing . . . “

“What’s that?”

“Did you fart yet?”

“No . . . ”

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Phoenix.”

Grounds for a Divorce

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ‘yes’.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

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