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The Old Man and the Princess

An old guy was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him.

The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”

The old guy smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.

The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.” The guy just smiled and kept on fishing.

When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”

The old guy just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this, but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”

A Confession

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. “Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site.”
Priest: “What did you do with the lumber, my son?”
Boudreaux: “Well, Father, my porch, she’s had a hole for a long time. I’m ‘fraid someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole.”
Priest: “Well, that’s not so bad.”
Boudreaux: “Well, Father, I had a little lumber left.”
Priest: “What did you do with it?”
Boudreaux: “Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain’t never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse.”
Priest: “OK, anything else?”
Boudreaux: “Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain’t never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two car garage.”
Priest: “Now, this is getting a little out of hand.”
Boudreaux: “Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left.”
Priest: “Yes?”
Boudreaux: “Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom.”
Priest: “OK! That’s definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don’t you?”
Boudreaux: “No, Father… But, if you got the plans, I got the lumber.”

New Dentures

An old minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, using his new dentures, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures and I couldn’t shut up.”

Religious Conversion

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, “Is it true that men and women don’t dance together?”
“Yes,” says the rabbi, “For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately.”
“So I can’t dance with my own wife?”
“No.”
“Well, okay,” says the man, “But what about sex?”
“Fine,” says the rabbi. “A mitzvah within the marriage!”
“What about different positions?” the man asks.
“No problem,” says the rabbi.
“Woman on top?” the man asks.
“Why not?” replies the rabbi.
“How about doggie-style?”
“Of course!”
“Well, what about standing up?”
“NO!” says the rabbi.
“Why Not???” asks the man.
“Could lead to dancing!”

God is Watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, “Take only one, God is watching.”

At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moving through the line a boy wrote another note to leave by the cookies, “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”