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A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”
A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again Paddy asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex at all.”
Paddy replied, “No it’s genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.”
A doctor of psychiatry is doing his normal morning rounds at the hospital when he enters the ward.
He finds Arnold sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Meanwhile Mark is hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The consultant asks Arnold what he’s doing. Arnold smiles and answers, ‘Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?’
The consultant nods and continues talking to Arnold and ask what Mark is doing on the ceiling. Arnold looks up and murmurs, ‘Oh, he’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.’
The consultant looks up and notices that Mark’s face is turning red and blue.
The consultant remonstrates with Arnold and says, ‘If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself.’
Arnold replies with a sigh, ‘What? And work in the dark.’
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.”
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.
On his last day, he hails a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan.”
After awhile, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan.”
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan.”
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.
The fare was $300. The Japanese exclaimed, “Wahso expensive!”
There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan.”
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read, “And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?”
Little Johnny raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, “I think the man would have said: ‘Well, I’ll be damned!! A talking pig!”