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Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”
A teacher asks her students what religious objects they have in their homes.
One boy answers, “We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it.”
The next little boy says, “We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it.”
Then a third boy pipes up, “In the bathroom we have a flat, square box with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams, ‘OH MY GOD!!!'”
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.”
“I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.”
“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”
“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”
A teenage son comes to his father and with a smirk on his face. “Dad, remember when I was younger, and you saw me kill a butterfly and you told me ‘No butter for a week.'”
“Yeah,” said the father.
“And remember when you saw me kill a honeybee later?” continued the son.
“Yes, no honey for a week for that” said the father with a smile.
“Well, I just saw mom kill a cockroach. Will you tell her or do you want me to break it to her?”
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud ‘hiss-pop’ noise.
“The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a ‘Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop’ noise.
“Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour. “I understand what the ‘hiss, hiss,’ is, but what’s that ‘pop’ every so often?”
“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide. “It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”
“Well, that can’t be good for the condoms!”
“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!”