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Bad Bar Code

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had a scratched bar code, making it unreadable to the scanner.

Imagine her embarrassment when the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price check on Tampax, supersize please.”

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “thumbtacks.”

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, “Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”

Golden Anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.

“Let’s have a big party, Homer,” she suggested. “You’ll need to kill a pig.”

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

Eight Iron

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, “Jack, I’ve got trouble down here!”
“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
“Bring me my wedge,” Joe shouted. “You can’t get out of here with an eight iron!”

Reward for Goodness

Three men died in a car accident and came to the Pearly Gates where they met St. Peter who said, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie, hell is waiting for you.

He asked the first man, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The first man replied, “I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.” St. Peter replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man St. Peter asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The second man replied, “I cheated on my wife twice.” St. Peter replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man he asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?” The third man replied, “I cheated on my wife about 8 times.” St. Peter replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!” The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!”

Weekend at Dave’s

Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Tom and Bill said their final goodbyes to their good friend, David.
“Thanks for puttin’ us up for the weekend, pal,” said Tom. “The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed sleeping with your wife.”

Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Tom and said, “I hope you weren’t serious about enjoying sleeping with his wife!”

“No, I wasn’t serious. It was lousy.”

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