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A grandfather always made a special effort with his grandchildren. Many Sunday mornings he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, grandma came to the rescue and said that she would take the grandchild out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see Grandpa.
“Well,” the grandfather asked, “did you enjoy your ride with Granny?”
“Oh yes, Grandpa,” the girl replied, “and do you know what? We didn’t see a single dumb bastard or lousy jerk!”
Bill’s mother was visiting her son and daughter-in-law, Betty. Bill came home from work and found six vacuum cleaner salesmen outside his house. He dashed in and said, “Mom, there are six men outside who all claim they have an appointment for a vacuum cleaner demonstration!”
“That’s right,” the mother-in-law replied. “Now you just show them all to different rooms and let them start demonstrating.”
A wife wakes from a bad dream one night scared and crying. Her husband comforts her and asks why she’s so upset.
She replies, “I had a dream that a very rich and handsome man kidnapped me from you.”
Her husband soothingly replies, “That’s okay honey, it was just a dream.
“The wife starts sobbing loudly,”I know that’s why I’m crying”
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’
She was a little taken aback, but she decided that if he was old enough to ask, he is old enough to get a true answer. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.’ Little Tony said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mum wants to talk to you.’
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”