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Friendship between women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at her friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”
“That’ll teach them!” I replied.)
One day, they’re leading a priest, a drunkard , and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate.
The priest says that he would like to face up, so he will be looking at heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes up to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down, but suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He too decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine the engineer suddenly says, “Hey! I see what your problem is….”
One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday. She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was.
The salesman said, “I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight.”
So the lady gave him the pole and he said, “That pole is worth $45.” She was amazed at how cheap that was so she picked up another really nice pole, handed it to the man and he said, “This pole is worth $55.” She decided that was still less than she wanted to spend so she picked up the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man. “This pole is our best and it is $70.” The woman was happy with his response and said she was taking it.
As she was getting the fishing pole rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She thought about it and decided, since the man was blind, there was no way he would know if it was her, or another customer, so she let it all out.
All of a sudden the man says, “It all comes up to $80.”
Confused the lady says to him, “But you said the fishing pole was only $70.”
He said, “It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call.”
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between “complete” and “finished.”
However, in a linguistic conference, held in London some years ago, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, a Guyanese named Samsundar Balgobin, was the clever winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between “complete” and “finished.” Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
His response was:
“When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’
If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’
And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are ‘completely finished.'”