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Girls Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed, I knew 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT” He didn’t seem suspicious in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh crap!’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

Solitary Confinement

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.

They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell.  He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.”

They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it.”

They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”

Heart Attack

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s this?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone to call an ambulance, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, sitting on the closet floor.

“You idiot,” the man says, “my wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

Hunting 911

There were 2 hunters from the south hunting together one day. One of the men dropped dead and the other man started to freak out so he called 911.

When the call came through the operator answered “Hello, what’s the emergency?”

“Well a buddy of mine dropped dead what do I do?”

“OK first you have to clam down then make sure that he is actually dead”.

There are some deep breaths on the line followed by a brief silence and then a gun shot. Then, the voice comes back to the phone and says, “OK now what?”

Hard to Reach

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. “I’m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.”

Psychiatrist: “Don’t you have a phone in your car?”

Blonde: “That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.”

Psychiatrist: “Uh … How’s that working?”

Blonde: “Actually, I haven’t gotten any letters yet.”

Psychiatrist: “And why do you think that is?”

Blonde: “I figure it’s because when I’m driving around, my zip code keeps changing.”

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