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In Hell

A fellow dies and goes to hell. To his surprise, when he enters his new apartment in hell, he is welcomed by  a room full of beautiful blondes. He moves through his new apartment and finds that the other room is filled with kegs of beer.

He goes out and asks his neighbor, “Hey, is your apartment filled with hot blondes and chilled kegs of beer too?”

“It sure is,” says the neighbor.

The man smiles widely and asks, “So tell me, am I missing something? What’s so bad about this place?”

“Well,” said the neighbor with a frown, “the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don’t!”

Rabbi’s Advice

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

“My wife is poisoning me,” the man replied.

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, “I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, “Yes!”

Rabbi replies, “Take the poison.”

Nervous Priest

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the monsignor how he could relax.

The Monsignor said, “Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly.”

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the monsignor. It read:

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There were 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the big “T’
5. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as “J.C. and The boys”.
6. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as“Big Daddy, Junior and, The Spook” and finally
7.  It is always the Virgin Mary, never “Mary with the Cherry”.

 

Show and Tell

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.” So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
“Just a minute.” she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. “Do these excite you?” she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk. “Well, come on,” she said, “we don’t have much time.”
Being that it was my first time, I was done within a minute.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, “Did you put that condom on?” she asked.
I said, “I sure did.” and held up my thumb to show her.

Couples Counseling

A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling.

They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage.

After about 10 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately. Then he tells the husband “now sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.”

The man says; “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.”