You might be a liberal if …

You might be a liberal if:

* You’ve ever left your sociology class thinking, “That professor really
knows what he/she/it is talking about.”

* You associate the words “model American” with “Bill Clinton”

* You think Dan Rather represents media impartiality

* Your response to anything Rush Limbaugh says is, “Well, he’s fat.”

* The first word in the description of your hair color is “neon”

* You’ve ever tried to protect the ozone layer

* You’ve stood for animal rights, but wear leather belts and sandals

* You’ve ever given a dollar to a bum so he can buy more liquor … ummm
… food

* You ever use the words “Clarence Thomas” and “Uncle Tom” in the same
sentence * you are a vegan

* You have a bumper sticker that says “You Can’t Hug With Nuclear Arms” on
your car

* You believe diversity represents the extinction of the white race

* You’ve ever walked around carrying one of those Javahhh mugs

* You pay a 185 percent markup for organically grown food

* You cheered for “Obstructing Justice Simpson” last Tuesday at 1 p.m.

* You don’t think it’s right to kill rapists and murderers, but do think
it’s right to kill babies

* You have anything to do with the Compassionate Living Fair

* You want more funding for AIDS research but less for cancer, despite the
fact that cancer kills many more people per year

* You have the entire menu at Cup-A-Joe memorized

* You consider yourself open-minded but refuse to listen to anything Jesse
Helms has to say

* You abhor censorship unless it’s censoring race, religion, Conservatism,
Western culture or Rush Limbaugh

* You found yourself unemployed after this past November’s election

* You’re a dope smoker or a womanizer … oh, sorry, that’s “You might be
a Clinton cabinet official if …”

* You’re the dolt who stole the “Helms ’96” bumper sticker from my car

* You think the phrase, “… separation of church and state” is in the
Constitution

* You cry, “You can’t legislate morality,” but defend the Roe v. Wade
decision in order to legalize your moral position on abortion

* You stay informed by watching MTV News

* You have an “I’m Straight But Not Narrow” button pinned to your book bag

* There is a ring in any part of your head other than your ears

* You think religion is bad for school kids to learn, but think condom
giveaways are just what schools need

* You molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national television
… oops, my mistake again, that’s “You might be Mel Reynolds if …”

* You think Jesse Jackson is a good spokesman for the black community

* You think Jesse Jackson is good at anything

* You lie in bed at night worried that Pat Robertson might be out to get
you

* You attribute the rising illegitimacy rate, crime rate or problems in
the inner city to Ronald Reagan

* You’ve ever held up a grocery store line trying to pick between plastic,
which isn’t biodegradable, or paper, which cuts down innocent trees

* You think the National Organization for Women is made up of average
heterosexual women with no lesbian agenda

* You’re on the committee to construct the Gay Jewish Women’s Cultural
Center — there’s a slight chance you’re a liberal

* You blame Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but not the spend-happy
“Democrooks” for the huge national debt

* Banning assault weapons is your solution to end crime (what do you mean
punish the criminals?)

* You tell me how to live by telling me I can’t tell people how to live