Women To Fight

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause.
Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons,
grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones,
chocolate, and canned tuna – drop us (parachuted, preferably)
across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes
naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing
standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is
formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We’ve had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect
them and their future.

We’d like to get away from our husbands, if they haven’t left
already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of
finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as
being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We’ve survived the water diet, the protein diet, the
carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas
across America and never lost a pound We can easily survive
months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at
all!

We’ve spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars,
hardware stores, or sporting events…finding bin Laden in some
cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new
government? Oh, please … we’ve planned the seating
arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving
dinners for years … we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we’ve divorced enough husbands to know every trick
there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts
and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know
how to seize it … with or without the government’s help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their
terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their
godforsaken terrain.

I’m going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!