Top 10 Best Ways to Kill Wesley Crusher
By 1.After slugging down six Shirley Temple’s in 10-forward, Wes stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to “take me to hell.” His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit.
2.Wesley gets gang-banged by a group of female Klingons.
3.Riker gets carried away executing an order from Piccard to “knock the little snot around a bit.”
4.Data catches him jacking off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment.
5.Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired and commits suicide.
6.Wes gets gang-banged by a group of male Klingons.
7.On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.
8.In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Wesley. …Wesley’s head explodes. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining.
9.Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down to clean out the photon tubes….Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few.
10.Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as “tribble stuffing,” not realizing that tribbles multiply _anywhere_. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.