Married Life

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
— Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
— Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. “My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
bridge. — Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
— Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
— Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

— Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
— Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— George Burns

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.
— Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”
— Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
— Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
— Erma Bombeck