If someone points at my black clothes and asks, whose funeral it is, I just look around the room, and answer, “haven’t decided yet.”
Sarcastic One-Liners
I have to stop asking how stupid one can be. Some people are starting to take it as a challenge.
I always say “Morning” Instead of “Good Morning” Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.
Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.
Most days, life is like a soup and I’m a freaking fork.
When people see you laying down with your eyes closed, they still ask “Are you sleeping?” And I’m like, “No. I’m training to die.”
If I had to pay my wife a dollar for every smart thing she says, I’d save a lot of money.
What did I do to give my boss the impression I actually care about what he thinks?
I have to keep reminding my daughter, she's unique just like everyone else.
I often wonder, is my boss always this dumb, or is he making a special effort for me?