I'll never forget my son's first words... "Where the heck have you been for 16 years?"
Sarcastic One-Liners
Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free.
My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must diminish the amount of stress in my life.
Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.
How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.
Why call someone when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages?
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening. Think about it.
70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discovered fire.
"Instead of 'have a nice day,' I think I'll start saying, 'have the day you deserve.' You know, let karma sort things out."