My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I just ran and I feel ten years older already.
Sarcastic One-Liners
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.
Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.
"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
Last night in my dream I was peeing in bed. In the morning, I realized dreams do come true.
My job is secure. No one else wants it.