My teenage angst has lasted 30 years.
Sarcastic One-Liners
Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
My internet is so slow, it's faster to just drive to the Google headquarters and ask them things in person.
The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*
Why is everything I love either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?
Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
"I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.”