I'm at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over. It's the law.
Sarcastic One-Liners
I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried. Onions was a good dog.
My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
Google is definitely a woman, it starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That's where the knives are kept.
Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.