Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Sarcastic One-Liners
I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
When I have kids, I'm going to make them watch the movie "2012" and tell them I survived that.
I do try to be empathetic and put myself in other people's shoes... but I have big feet.
Women are fun to argue with, because even IF they lose, they win.
"Instead of 'have a nice day,' I think I'll start saying, 'have the day you deserve.' You know, let karma sort things out."
Working at a Hospital is the worst - you can't call in sick. If you do, your boss will just tell you to come get checked out.
I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"