My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
Sarcastic One-Liners
I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.
You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.
I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you." I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
Aging is no fun...they used to time me with a stopwatch, now they use a calendar.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Don’t rush me. I’m waiting for the last minute.
Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.