I changed my password to "incorrect", so anytime I forget and enter the wrong thing, the computer tells me what it is.
Sarcastic One-Liners
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
My grandma always said "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.
My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
It is very easy to become a superman, you just have to change the sequence of clothes while wearing.
I'm pretending to be a hot girl on tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him Im coming over so he'll clean the apartment.
I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
This year, my resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?
I'll be doing a book signing today at Barnes & Noble from 2pm until they kick me out for writing in random books.