"I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly."
Sarcastic One-Liners
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation said, "In 400 feet, pull over and let me out."
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.
There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.
"Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what's on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward."