"Instead of 'have a nice day,' I think I'll start saying, 'have the day you deserve.' You know, let karma sort things out."
Sarcastic One-Liners
Working at a Hospital is the worst - you can't call in sick. If you do, your boss will just tell you to come get checked out.
I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I like when flies won't leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
If at first you don't succeed... blame someone else and seek counseling.
If Mayans could predict the future, why didn't they predict their extinction?
Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense.