Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
Sarcastic One-Liners
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them...
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.
Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.
Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.
It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.