''I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure out where the hell you got the idea I cared.”
Sarcastic One-Liners
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs...
“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
''When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique... Just like everyone else...
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly."