Why play so hard to get when you are already so hard to want?
Sarcastic One-Liners
Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
'Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.’
My internet is so slow, it’s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.
Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.
"What doesn't kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor."
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
''Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”