“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”
Sarcastic One-Liners
"I don't have a welcome mat at my door because I'm not a liar."
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
It’s kind of hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
There’s a lot to be said in his favor, but it’s not nearly as interesting
When he talks, it isn’t a conversation. It’s a filibuster
Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
"Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing ANYTHING away EVER. I snuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord."
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”