''I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure out where the hell you got the idea I cared.”
Sarcastic One-Liners
They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.
Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.
I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.
’Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.’
If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can’t speak English...