Barbie and Ken's Letters to Santa

BARBIE’S LETTER TO SANTA:

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat troll, I’ve been saving your ass every year,
being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea
parties. I hate to break it to ya,’ Santa, but it’s payback
time. There had better be some changes around here, or I’m gonna
call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don’t wanna be
around to smell it.

These are my demands for this Christmas:

1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking
like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it
feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don’t
suppose you do.

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o
molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like
cellulite!

3. A REAL man… I don’t care if you have to go to Hasbro to get
him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that
earring anyway? HELLO!?!

4. It’s about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me
arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. ‘Nuff said.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Doctor’s and Lawyer’s make real money.

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie,” complete with a
pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl complexion.

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 40 years -I think I deserve
a piece of the action.

Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I
think these demands are reasonable. If you don’t like it, you
can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It’s that
simple.

As ever,
Barbie

KEN’S LETTER TO SANTA:

Dear Santa:

It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has
petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking
for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my
understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my
sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.

I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issue
concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and
desires: First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms.
Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has
received over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I,
nor Joe, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses,
Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not
even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a
limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never
upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring
was immediately squashed, which I protest, for it was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I would like a change
in my career to further explore my creative nature.

Some options which could be considered are: “Decorator Ken,”
“Beauty Salon Ken,” or “Broadway Ken.” Other avenues which could
be considered are: “Impersonator Ken” (with wigs and gowns), or
“West Hollywood Ken.” These would more accurately reflect my
interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been under
served.

As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can “push me
away,” I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the
curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations
of which you are aware.

In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell,
while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will
result in legal action to be taken by myself and others. And
kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe…he’s
mine, at least that’s what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken