A Visitors' Guide to Dallas, Texas
By A Visitors’ Guide to Dallas, Texas
(Life in America’s fifth largest city)
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or
DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has
its own version of traffic rules….Hold on and pray. There is
no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all
drive like that.
3. All directions start with, “Go down to Beltline”…which has
no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a
“scenic drive.”
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush
hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday
morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear
ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one
on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green
before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic’s way.
7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same
holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross and
Routh Street.
8. Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of
entertainment.
9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh,
we’re in Fort Worth!!”
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably
a factory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have the
right of way.
12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross
intersections. Unless you’re on Storey Rd……
13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of
Spanish.
14. Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal
buildings connected by one tram that never works.
15. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of
four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted
minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas
North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright
sissy.
16. The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn’t
ornamental.
17. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker
that says,”Keep honking. I’m reloading.” In fact, don’t honk at
anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given
right.
18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph
zone…people are not waving when they go by.
19. The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.
20. LBJ is called “The Death Trap” for two reasons: “death” and
“trap.”
21. If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
22. If it’s 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live
Stock show is going on.
23. If it’s rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson
Golf Classic is in the second round.
24. Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports,
etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as
possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
