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”What doesn’t …..
”What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.”
Philosophy Professors
A philosophy professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if it was true that all philosophy professors were absent-minded.
“No, they’re not absent-minded. Don’t you think I know where I am right now, and don’t you think tomorrow I’ll know where I was last night? Would somebody like to ask me another question?”
“Yes,” said another guest. “Is it true that philosophy professors are absent-minded and have bad memories?”
“Oh God!” said the professor. “I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question.”
”I’m sorry ……
”I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
Horse Sense
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.
Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”
Return of a Sailor
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a newborn baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
“Was it my friend Sam?” he demanded.
“No!” his weeping wife replied.
“Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked.
“NO!!!” she said even more upset.
“Well which one of my no-good friends did this then?” he asked.
“Oh, don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she snapped.
”I would like…..
”I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.”