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New Cosmetics
A man’s wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours, applying the “miracle” products.
Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and asked, “Darling, honestly now, what age would you say I am?”
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, “Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five.”
“Oh, you’re so sweet!” gushed the wife.
“Well, hang on,” he replied, “I’m not finished adding it up yet.”
You can’t be a………
You can’t be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.
I didn’t say……….
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Football Tryouts
A college football coach was holding tryouts for the team one day, and a huge, hulking freshman showed up on the field and said he’d never played football, but he’d like to give it a shot.
“Can you tackle?” asked the coach. The freshman looked around and spotted a telephone pole at the edge of the field. Without any delay or any padding, he charged smack into the pole, shattering it to splinters.
“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed! Can you run?”
“Sure,” said the freshman. He took off and dashed from one end of the field to the other and back, faster than anyone the coach had ever seen.
“That’s great!” said the coach. He tossed a ball to the young man and asked, “Do you think you can pass a football?”
The freshman turned the ball over in his hands, hesitating for a few seconds, and shrugged. “Well, sir,” he said, “If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it!”
Great New Law!
Have you heard the news?
There is a new law being passed that will allow dogs and cats to be deducted as dependents on your tax returns! You can now deduct as many as 100 pets!
The new law is proposed to encourage more people to have pets instead of children. But please be careful…
The law only applies to one day of the year, April 1st!
Happy April Fool’s day!!!!