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Divorce Lawyer

A man visits a friend and in the driveway he sees friend’s car that’s all dented, covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?”

“Well,” the friend responses, “I ran into my ex-wife’s divorce lawyer.”

“OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?”

“Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”

Pet Chicken

A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets. “Who’s the other ticket for?” the ticket girl asked. “For my pet chicken.” He said, pointing to the bird.

“I’m sorry,” the girl tells him, “but we don’t allow animals in the theater.”

The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.

The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, “Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!”

Amanda replied, “Oh, don’t worry about it. Just ignore him. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

The woman whispered back, “I know, I know, but this one’s eating my popcorn!”

The Marine

A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The Marine shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!”

The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

If College Students Wrote the Bible

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
The reason why Cain killed Abel was because Abel was just a terrible roommate. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five – double-spaced and written in a large font.
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.
Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s email to abuse@romans.gov.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Expensive Funeral

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jodi. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”

“All of it?” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”

“Two and a half carats.”

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