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Drug Testing

After a weekend full of drugs and alcohol, I turned up for work Monday morning and they where taking urine samples to test for drugs. It’s a routine thing they do at my job, and normally a surprise, but luckily for me I found out on Friday and came prepared with a urine sample from my girlfriend. She’s a saint doesn’t touch stuff so I knew I would pass the test no questions asked. I sneaked the urine sample in and gave it to the nurse.

My boss contacts me after receiving my test results: “Good news – you passed, totally clear of drugs. Bad news – you’re six weeks pregnant and you’re fired!”

 

Pacifying a Wife

Dave’s friends came up to him after work one day and asked him to go out for a few beers with them. 

Dave replied, “No, I can’t. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late.”

One of the buddies said, “When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, and start kissing her all over her body. She won’t say anything.”

So Dave goes out with his friends and has a great time. When he comes home hours later, he goes into his room, slides beneath the sheets and begins to kiss her all over.

She starts to moan and groan. After a while, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there.

When Dave gets to the bathroom he’s stunned to see his wife sitting on the john.

“How did you get here?” he asked.

“Shhhh,” she replied, “my mom is sleeping.”

Code Word

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

“Look,” he said. “My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they’ll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used.”

The first day went fine, but on the second day a big guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said “350”.

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

“Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs” her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. “Yes !” she said “He’s got one hanging there”!

The boss said “Go back in and give him $350. He’s our store cleaner!”

Ground Control

A blonde is on board a small two seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

“Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!”

Ground control receive her call for help and answers back:

“Don’t worry, madam. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position.”

“I’m 5″2′ and sitting in the front.”

Cat for Sale

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”

And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”
 
The owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”