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Paddy and Shane are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Shane slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Shane to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Shane. The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in rehab exercising.” Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Shane out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Shane slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Shane off to the hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the rehab again exercising.” And sure enough, there’s Shane out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Shane comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Shane to the hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Shane is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.”
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”
“No”, says the nurse, “Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers’ money in the form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.
The name of the company: “The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company”
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going ?”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.”
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, an there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary and Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was baptized Catholic?