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Squirrels always…

Squirrels always act like it’s their first day of being a squirrel.

Nookie Green

A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.”
The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.”
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”
This time the priest asks,”Who is Nookie Green?”
“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies.
“Very well, ” sighs the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Marys.”
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men’s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispered, “Is that Nookie Green?”
The bug-eyed altar boy replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

I know everyone…

I know everyone thinks tall people have a lot of advantages in life but in reality, we have to deal with 40% more spider webs than you do.

40th Anniversary

John and Nancy were married for 40 years. For their anniversary, they decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a renewal ceremony.

They were discussing the details with their friends, and Nancy  was excitedly describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

Nancy replied, “Silver.”

At that point, her husband chimed in, “Yep, silver…to match her hair.”

Shooting a glaring look at John’s bald spot, Nancy’s friend said, “So, John, I guess you are going barefoot then.”

What is the…

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Found a Cat

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he had found a cat this weekend. The teacher asked if he took the cat home and took care of it.
“It was dead,” informed the student.
“How do you know?” the teacher asked.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” said the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?”, the teacher exclaimed appalled.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’ in its ear and it didn’t move.”

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