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Fishing Trip
A man called his wife from work one Friday afternoon and told her to pack his bags for a fishing trip. He told her that he and some guys from work were going fishing for the weekend.
“Pack some clothes, get out my fishing poles and tackle box, and don’t forget my blue silk pajamas,” he explained to her.
The wife agreed and when he got home he picked up his stuff and said goodbye.
Sunday night the man returned home and his wife asked, “How was your fishing trip?”
The man responded, “It was great and I even caught a few large ones, but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas!”
“No I didn’t,” she replied, “I put them in your tackle box!”
Family Car
A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party. Everyone was asleep, so she quietly went to her room and went to sleep as well.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30 am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, “What time did you get in last night?”
“Not too late, Dad,” she replied nervously.
Dead-pan, her father said, “Then I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car.”
Basketball Coach
The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.
“Please,” protested the college president, “you already make more than the entire History Department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. “You’re not there, sir,” he reported.
“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the president, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”
Lazy Bull
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John was much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
Sisters of St. Francis
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
He begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you my son?’
He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.’
‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
Virgin Test
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride was a virgin.
The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do-it-yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw, you hit her with the shovel.”