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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.”
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see,’ ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’ ‘How did you feel about that?’”
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘Oh crap!! What happened next?’”
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to make him move, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
“How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie so much more expensive than the others?” “That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.
Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
Once the cop pulled over Chuck Norris. The cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afraid to move.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crossed Chuck Norris and lived.
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.