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Report on Childbirth

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”

“Well, Honey…” said the boy’s mom, “the stork brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.

“Oh, the stork brought us too,” chimed in the dad.

“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.

“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

Petty Argument

The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Nancy finally said, “Look. I’ll tell you what. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you admit I was right.”

“Fine.” I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, “I’m wrong.”

I grinned and replied, “You’re right.”

Worried Sick

An elderly woman in her nineties had a visitor from her church come to see her at the nursing home.

“How are you?” the visitor asked.

“Oh,” said the elderly woman, “I’m just worried sick!”

“You look like you’re in good health. They take good care of you here, don’t they?”

“Oh, yes, they take good care of me here.”

“Do you have any pain?” the visitor asked.

“No, I can’t say I do,” the elderly woman replied.

“Then what has you worried sick?” the visitor asked.

The elderly woman leaned in and explained, “All of my closest friends have already died and gone to heaven. I’m sure they are all wondering where I went!”

Mother’s Effort

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she had found the lens.

“I looked everywhere, how did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I, on the other hand, was looking for $150!”

Fish Heads

A blonde went to “Jim’s Seafood Store” and asked Jim about the best part of the fish.

Jim smirked and said, “The best part of the fish is the head. Not only is it good, but the head will make you smarter too.”

The blonde wanted to try and see if they are really that good. The heads were $4.34 each and she got two. Later that week she got some more and told Jim that the heads were really good.

For about three weeks, she got fish heads. Then one day, she came in she said, “You know I have been thinking, it’s silly that I buy fish heads for $4.34 each when I could have the whole fish with the head for $3.00.”

Jim smirked again and said, “But you see, you got smarter already.”

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