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A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
“That will be $1.08, please,” says the clerk.
“What’s the eight cents for? asks the blonde. “It says one dollar right here on the packaging.”
“That’s for tax.” replies the clerk.
“Gee,” says the blonde, “I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put!”
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A teacher observed Little Johnny entering the classroom with very dirty hands. She stopped him and said, “Johnny, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”
With a smile the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”
The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door.
The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. “Heavens,” she cried, “it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the window.”
The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. “I can’t,” he said, “we’re on the thirteenth floor.”
“For heaven’s sake,” cried the young lady in exasperation, “It’s not a good time to be superstitious!”
One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50.”