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You can park in the handicap zone.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.
PG Caught in the act
Caught in the Act:A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: ‘Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.Burning with anger, but thinking the husband could only dig himself deeper; she turned, and with ice in her voice, said: ‘FINE.”Well, on the bus home, I met this young girl. She looked poor and tired, so I offered her a ride from the transit station. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that old birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.’The wife was a bit taken back by these words, but didn’t care to let on, so with almost as much ice in her voice, she said: ‘AND?’ ‘As she was about to leave the house, she thanked me warmly and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
Suicide? Or Murder?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, “a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended” is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Barking Dogs
An exhausted blonde dragged herself to the doctor’s office.”Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood,” she said.”They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.””I’m going to prescribe some sleeping pills,” said the doctor.”A few of these and your troubles will be over.””Great,” said the blonde.”I’ll try anything.”A few weeks later, the blonde returned, looking worse than ever.”Doctor, it didn’t work! I’m more tired than before!””I don’t understand how that could be,” said the doctor, shaking his head.”Those are the strongest pills on the market!””Maybe so,” said the blonde, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs, and when I finally catch one, it’s hell getting him to swallow the pill!”
Michael Jackson Wants Sex
After Michael Jackson’s wife had her baby, Michael asked her how long it would be before he could have sex.
She replied “For Christ’s sake, let the little bastard start walking first !!!!!”
Polak and Mongoloid
Q: What do you get when you cross a 1-legged Polak with a Mongoloid?
A: A Polaroid One-Step.