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One night, this guy comes into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a whole 31 days.”
The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.
“Yeah, except today is the last day,” he muttered.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
The guy’s curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he’s doing.
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce attorney.”
A group of married friends are at a bar with their husbands for dinner and drinks. The couples chat about different topics, but eventually they switch seats so that all the men sit together and talk about sports and cars, while the women complain about their husbands to one another.
One of the female, clearly exasperated with her marriage and spouse, states loudly for all to hear:
“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner.”
Hearing that statement, the woman’s husband retorted loudly:
“And women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.”
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
A college professor was giving a big science test. Upon collecting the tests she noticed a note attached to one of them with a $100 bill underneath it.
The note read, “One dollar per point please.”
The professor returned the test the following with $40 and a note attached.
The note read, “Here’s your $40 change.”