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Bedtime Story

A seven-year-old girl walked into her mother’s bedroom in the middle of the night and asked her to tell her a bedtime story.
The mother wasn’t thrilled with the request and said, “It’s almost two in the morning.”
“I know, Mommy, but I had a bad dream, and I won’t fall back asleep without a story,” replied her daughter.
The mother scooted in bed, raised the sheets, and said, “Ok, get in here with me. We’ll wait for your father to come back, and I bet he will have a heck of a story for us both.”

I am writing…

I  am writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it’s their mum saying “I have a computer question.”

Talking Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and says, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquires.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”
“That’s terrible,” the priest exclaims, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responds.
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

Redneck Letter

Dear son,
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it though. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week. The first time for three days and the second time for four days.
Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you. About that coat you wanted me to send, your uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at the time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your favorite aunt,
Mom

When I…

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

Take my…

Take my advice — I’m not using it.

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