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As I get
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way. I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.
Find Your Man
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story department store with a sign that reads: “Find your man here.” They decide to go in.
At the door, a very attractive security guard explains to them how it works. “We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. You can go up, but not down. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are plain but kind.” The friends laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are handsome but poor.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are smart but unattractive.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they keep going.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are handsome, rich and kind.” The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”
I got called…
I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying.” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive.
Financial Adviser
A wealthy ninety year old tycoon is meeting with his new financial adviser.
The adviser is very excited and tells the old man, “I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!”
“Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas!”
I’ll never forget …
I’ll never forget my son’s first words… “Where the heck have you been for 16 years?”
Late Night Call
It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? (Pause as he listens.) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”
The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”